The night of ye little gold men is a fantasy of glittering spectacle. And pretty generally boring and stupid on its face. What does it all mean? Here’s a staff snapshot of the night of the big show.

Gary: I didn’t watch the Oscars… while it was being broadcast. I was playing trumpet in Oakland and drinking Newcastle and Crown Royal. The drummer decided to pour the Crown right into his beer, so the rest of us felt compelled to do the same. It was a tasty beverage. The Oscars didn’t even come up in conversation. I did watch highlights (Tivo) when I got home, though, and Forest Whitaker’s speech was flippin awesome. Not so awesome was Clint Eastwood’s paraphrasing of Ennio Morricone’s Italian-language acceptance speech. I mean, is Clint fluent in Italian? It looked like he was reading cue cards to me. Let’s get a transcript of Morricone’s speech asap!

JT: The people across the gangway have a huge window facing our window and they were having an Oscar party. There was a nice spread on the table over there and guests were arriving and drinking and laughing. “Yeah,” I thought, “festive.” It was cold in our apartment so I got on a button shirt and a v-neck sweater, as if I were part of the fancy-ish party next door. We ate our whole little dinner and talked and did the dishes. She says not a thing, the woman I have lived with forever, she never even notices that I “put on a shirt” for dinner, like we were living in Connecticut in the 50s and it’s perfectly normal for me to get spiffed up for cocktails and mealtime. Instead she goes online. “Who’s gonna win?” she says. “Just please let it not be Clint Eastwood,” I say. He should always remain “unforgiven” for the popculture crime that is “Million Dollar Baby.” How did Dirty Harry become a sap? Or better, how did he vanish utterly only to resurface as the debased wack-job Jack Bauer?

JBP: I didn’t watch the Oscars. As a matter of fact, I didn’t see a single movie in a theater last year. Nary a one. I can’t name a specific reason for my movie-free ‘06. Maybe it was my Netflix subscription, or the cost of a ticket crossing the $10 mark, or the fact that my short-lived screenwriting “career” soured me on the whole industry. I don’t know. But somebody ought to get to the bottom of this. Quick. I love the movies. The dark theater, the murmuring crowd, Junior Mints, everything. In my opinion, Almodovar is the finest director working right now, and one of the most creative people in cinema history. But did I get off my ass to see Volver? No. Why not? I can’t say. But the people who study these things better call me soon to figure it out. If I’m this apathetic, the industry’s in trouble. I’ll be waiting by the phone, Mr. Katzenberg.

Adrienne: Oscar night… Santa Monica is, I’m gonna guess, the only place in the world where Bentleys are double parked in the street for the entire five hours of the show, the owners “networking” or “making an appearance” with the neighbor you never knew existed until his Mr Mogul friend blocks up the thoroughfare! Isn’t there a homeland security law against that now? It’s also likely the only place where you hear intermittent cheers going up and wafting into the night air, people screaming at the TV like it’s World Cup or the last game of an NBA final. “Hooray!” “Awesome!” “Go Marty!”

Nicole: I’m one of the shallow people who actually has a vested interest in the entertainment industry. I hate feeling out of the loop, so yes I watched the Oscars. I Tivo’d it though so I could bypass all the stupid commercials (except the terrible Dove home movie, which I watched for the pure absurdity of it ). The show itself…. hmmm, I really thought it was another dry ceremony, even though the Academy made it shorter. Ellen could have been a lot funnier. I got little tingly feelings of excitement when Jennifer Hudson and Martin Scorsese won, but that was about it.

The picture: What I would be doing if I won an Oscar, that is after I scratch that million-dollar gown and slip into something a little more comfortable.

Matt: For the first time in a while, I sat down and watched the entire Hollywood circle jerk at once. It was quite the effort, and I’m proud of myself for doing it. I was working at the same time, a distraction that saved my brain from atrophying during some of the more labored and vomit-inducing routines (Randy Newman Cars song, I’m looking directly at you). By the last four categories, I found myself more emotionally invested than I thought possible. I was actually nervous when Best Director was announced and, to my everlasting joy, Scorsese won. And “The Departed” won Best Picture. And Ghost Dog won Best Actor!!! In sum, best night of all time, in history, for anyone, ever, thank you Ghost Dog and the Academy!

Marissa: I thought this year would be different. I thought living in the LA would add a little spice to this year’s Oscar’s experience. Instead the Hollywood hype only left me wanting more, kind of like wishing you had gone for that double scoop of ice cream instead of the measly unfulfilling single scoop you bought. I liked Ellen’s bit with Scorsese, when she passed along the screenplay she “just happened to be carrying” and her MySpace photo-op routine, posing with Clint Eastwood and using Spielberg as the photographer. I also liked the song and dance number by Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly more than I’ve liked some of their recent movies. But the tributes, movie-clip montages and Kirsten Dunst’s dress killed it for me. I nodded off a few times—only to be nudged awake by my celebrity-infatuated roommate. It definitely did not need to take up four-plus hours of my night.

Zoneil: While Scorcese was finally winning an Oscar after years of supporting Joe Pesci’s career, I was busy doing homework. Though I stray from my studies whenever the horrible/addicting White Rapper Show is on (hallelujah holla back!), the Oscars just ain’t worth my time. Who wants to watch rich people honor and boost the egos of other rich people? It’s not like I care for most of the films the movie illuminati selects anyway. (The way they did Pan’s Labyrinth was staight foul, yo!) Bring back Three 6 Mafia and throw in a Scarlett Johanson nip slip, and maybe I’ll watch next year.

Andy: I was at the grand opening of Family. It was a great alternative to sitting in front of the TV for 5 hours and being battered with bunker busters of commercialism. However, I heard that throughout the awards, global warming actually got the most universal recognition it’s ever received in this country. That’s something.

Tags: academy awards