A perennial holiday gift favorite should be crossed off the lists of any self-respecting patriot. Dallas local TV news CBS 11 gave Bill O’Reilly’s “War on Christmas” a run for its money yesterday, reporting that those beloved American Girl dolls that “teach our heritage” aren’t really American. The little darlings are infiltrators, “born” in Communist China and stealing around American bedrooms right now, as we speak!

You’re asking yourself: “How did the enterprising journalists over at CBS 11 get the big story?” By “investigating” the doll packaging and “uncovering” evidence in the form of large labels that say “Made in China.” If that’s not Pulitzer-worthy reporting, I don’t know what is.

The expert analysts featured in the report contend that where the dolls are made is essential to their essence as toys and to their usefulness as learning tools. Dr. Daniel Howard, a professor of marketing at Southern Methodist University, poses a provocative rhetorical for concerned viewers: “To have an American Girl doll made in China seems like a contradiction, does it not?”

Maybe not when you take in consideration that 80 percent of American toys are made in China. Apple-pie products such as that cap you don when you root, root, root for the home team and the stars and stripes you stick out of your car window on the Fourth of July are nearly all made in China, too.

The good news, it turns out, is that despite their nefarious origins, American Girl dolls won’t kill you. As part of its investigation, CBS 11 tested samples and found the dolls were free of lead and other hazardous chemicals. Nice try, though. Glad they’re watching out for us, rooting out the evildoers this holiday season, over there at CBS 11!