NEW ORLEANS, 2055
(after Republicans sweep the 2008 elections)

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the official tour of historic New Orleans. This exact replica of an old-style trolley-car will begin its route through the famed, and infamous, French Quarter very soon. But first, some facts about this grand old Southern city. Can anyone tell me anything about the history of this city?”

“They held the Mardi Gras here.”

“Correct, and there is a still a Mardi Gras remembrance celebration right here on George W. Bush Boulevard— formerly called Bourbon Street— every year. Anything else.”

“Wasn’t there a controversy over renaming the street?”

“No controversy, really. Under President Jeb Bush, the State Church proclaimed in 2019 that street names celebrating decadence were not appropriate to one of our most historic places.”

“It was port where black slaves were sold to white people.”

“Now, young man, as you know, the 2028 Proclamation of Colorblindness signed by President Jenna Bush makes clear that slaves came in all colors, and that slavery means many things. A slave to the land is the same as a slave in chains. One more. Anything else?”

“The city was washed away in a flood early this century.”

“Correct. And the Father of New Orleans saved the citizens from great hardships during the flood. You’ll see a grand statue of Father George W. Bush on the tour, which stands as an eternal testament to his great leadership during that crisis.”

“Didn’t a lot of black people once live in this city?”

“We don’t separate people by color anymore. It is, in fact, against the law.”

“Right, but wasn’t there a major upheaval after the flood that led to the precursors of the Proclamation of Colorblindness?”

“(Sigh) It is well-documented historical fact that in the mid-late 20th century, the communists instigated what was Orwellianly called the ‘Civil Rights Movement’ to drive a wedge between different types of citizens by convincing some of the most gullible that they had been treated unfairly. We all know that America is founded on “justice for all,” so unfair treatment of any group is impossible. Impossible. After Great Leader Ronald Reagan defeated the communists, it was only a matter of time before the last vestiges of the unequal rights cabal was also defeated. But they had one last ‘hurrah’ after the great Hurricane Katrina, culminating in an attempt to inject the toxic topic of race, which we have now transcended, into the 2008 presidential election by nominating a self-described “black man” for president! Imagine! For crushing that cabal, the people showed their appreciation by making the Republicans the Official Party of the United States… Now, let’s begin the tour…”

“I’m sorry, I have one more question.”

“I’m afraid we have a schedule to keep. The French Quarter is one of the oldest parts of this city, and the one area that was completely recreated after the great flood. Look. On the right you’ll see the old-fashioned minstrel character that has brought joy and laughter to millions since the founding of our country… Look. The minstrel has his hand to his ear. What’s he trying to tell us? Wait. Listen. Can you hear that? It’s the sound of music they called jazz. Though rarely heard today, it’s one of the musical forms, along with blues, that has faded from American life.”

“But didn’t that happen after they consolidated the media into one single company?”

“Sir, please don’t interrupt. As we turn the corner, we’ll see a recreation of some of the areas that were not rebuilt after the floods. On the right, you’ll see one of the charming, long, narrow ‘shotgun houses.’ It was jokingly said that the name occurred because you could shoot a gun through the front door and hit everyone in the house. Ha ha ha. However, the residents loved the old world charm of the dwellings and foolishly chose to rent them instead of owning their own homes on higher ground. Thus, many were flooded out and lost everything.”

“Weren’t they poor?”

“Sir, as it says as the mother of the Bush Dynasty has said, ‘poverty is a lifestyle choice.’”

“Weren’t most of them black?”

“SECURITY!”

——
Leonce Gaiter’s work on social and cultural issues has appeared in numerous publications, from the Los Angeles Times to the New York Times magazine. His noir novel Bourbon Street was published by Carroll & Graf.

New Orleans Flickr: Toshio