Sex is strange.

In America, governors lose their job and honor over a hired escort, and the next day, the said escort is being offered a million dollars to take her shirt off.  Meanwhile in Germany, one of the most religious countries of the world, prostitutes donning parkas and fanny packs hang out by Burger King, swapping hellos and small talk with neighbors on their way home for dinner.

Japan, despite some of the strictest regulations, is one of the biggest sex-toy manufacturers of the world, getting around the law by naming vibrators “personal massagers” and “novelty items”. They also make some of the best condoms in the world, because any other form of contraceptives are banned (and have been for a while).

In Kenya, many youths born with HIV find themselves without the right resources and education; in the cities, they grow up in catholic schools, constantly being bombarded with agendas of faith and abstinence, while in many villages, condoms often are completely unavailable to most youths. No wonder that the HIV/prevalence rate is more than six percent (that’s one out of 20).

Me? I grew up in a traditional Korean-Christian family, taught Sunday school, and now work as a sex educator and salesperson at Good Vibrations, “a diverse, woman-focused retailer providing access to sex-positive products and accurate sex information.”

These anecdotes are not unconnected. They all reveal the ironic taboo and culture of shame that is inextricable from one of the most common and obvious human acts: sex. They illustrate the fact that despite enormous propaganda and regulations working against sex, it still not only happens, it shapes and changes politics, economics, and the people entangled in it all.

We build a system of debasement and disgrace around sex. Ambiguous terms like “promiscuous,” “kinky,” and “perverted” create boundaries on how and how much sex one should have. It seems everyone who is not having monogamous, heterosexual, racially-homogeneous sex in the missionary position is not “normal.” Furthermore, many value this debasement, promoting shame as some key to reform and morality.

I am a part of a traditional, faith-based Christian family. My mom rarely brought up sex, and if she did, it was buried among flashing red lights and the repeated imperative of “Don’t.” I am now old enough to need insurance of my own, to share my life with a loving partner for years, and to come to terms with the belief that I can still live a faith-based life while maintaining a sex-positive attitude.

And yet, I pretend like I never even so much as thought of sex while around my mom. I’m not trying to lie or hide things, as much as I am just avoiding the inevitable dead-end conversations, relentless arguments and the incredible sense of disapproval and disappointment she will devote to me. My mother wanted to “protect” me from sex, but failed to create an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere in which I could have discussed with her my relationships, both sexual and nonsexual.

Maybe then, I could have avoided making some of the mistakes I’ve made.  No such luck.

No one, no society, no culture can really be “protected” from sex. In fact, most are already quite obsessed with it. Films, books, websites, music and conversations are filled with references to f*cking, making love, bjs and one-night stands. But the problem is that they are merely sexual innuendos, ways of talking circles and circles around sex without actually discussing it, because there is a certain amount of societal reservation that makes sex still a little too gross, a little too taboo, and way too awkward.

It’s this inability to talk frankly and openly about sex, without prejudices and without the wayward ideologies of normality, that prevents any discourse on intercourse.  It hinders any forthright discussion of gender politics, sexuality, disease and poverty, about all things related to sex, without a sense of shame and censure. Instead sex and sexual desires are too often scapegoats for the depraved and criminal. They are to be blamed for disease, scandal, and the devaluation of society and culture. In doing so, we shift the responsibility away from real problems in our education, health systems, cultural prejudice and stereotypes. We fail to acknowledge sex as an ordinary and healthy part of society, and instead use it as an excuse for ignorance.

Making prostitution illegal doesn’t make disease vanish.  Banning sodomy doesn’t make the world straight. And sex  doesn’t translate into love, nor can it sustain love on its own. However, fair and realistic regulations of the sex trade will drastically reduce the violence and crime it breeds while relegated to seedy back alleys.  Education can cultivate tolerance (actually, it’s the only way).  And responsible, healthy sexual relationships can lay the foundation for strong, life-lasting emotional bonds.

So mom, can we please drop the act now?