I noticed a funny thing while visiting my family in D.C. for Christmas. Simply put: every female in the house (my mom and aunt, who are African-American, and me and my cousin, who are interracial) was either involved with or married to a White man.
Hmm…
That’s curious.
The truth is, the topic of interracial dating is always bubbling in the back of my mind. I went out on a limb and wrote a post about it some time ago on this blog, which got me into some deep water with a few of my readers (a disagreement that I haven’t fully resolved in my mind).
But just recently, the issue resurfaced during a conversation I had with a fellow blogger (a White male) about how personal Obama’s candidacy was to many Americans. I know, I know… interracial relationships? Obama? The two are linked, sure, but they don’t really go together. Which is what made the conversation so poignant.
My friend asked me whether or not Obama was well liked among the African-American side of my family.
“Wow, really? Even though they’re both married to White men?” My friend was baffled. “That’s… strange.”
Before that point, I had never thought of it as strange at all. But maybe it is. And after that, a troubling question began creeping into my mind: do some Black women hold an interracial relationship double standard?
Most Black women who I am close with approve of, and even cheer on, a Black female/White male interracial relationship. But one that’s the other way around evokes a feeling far less warm and fuzzy. For example, if Obama had been married to a White woman… eek. I’m sure we wouldn’t have been as quick to embrace him (and actually, I’ve talked with men and women of every color about this hypothetical situation, all of whom expressed a similar “cringe”—perhaps a topic for a different post).
I’ve been trying to figure out WHY this is for some time. Talking with my family has helped a bit. My aunt, who grew up in the 50’s and 60’s during Jim Crow, gave me this bit of insight:
Being called ugly by my childhood peers—other Negroes—was an everyday experience. …At monthly dances, (wearing my prettiest felt skirts with the poodle-on-a-leash design and for-the-occasion “straightened” hair with ever-so-neat bangs and Shirley Temple curls) no boy ever asked me to dance. Not once. No boy ever asked me for a date. No boy took me home to meet his family. No boy would dare to be seen with me. Far to risky.
What we did to each other is ‘our shame.’
I also spoke with my cousin a bit. She grew up in D.C. as well, only during the 80’s. She hung out with and dated Black guys, but oftentimes found that many of them were looking for something “not quite her”: long nails, thin straight hair, etc. Which is the façade that most of her female cohorts put on. But she wasn’t interested in pretending, and, interestingly, discovered that the few White guys she dated were much more eager to accept her as she was—thick bushy hair and all.
So what does this all have to do with Obama’s marriage to Michelle? He’s African-American, she’s African-American—no interracial relationship there. So why was she the reason my family members so embraced his candidacy?
Well, it’s this—a simple statement voiced by my cousin at the end of our conversation that slid all the pieces in place:
“I guess we just love men who really love Black women.”
Wow. The conversation never had anything to do with men (of any color) and everything to do with women. Black women.
So maybe we do hold a seemingly illogical but deeply personal double standard—one rooted in experiences that go back decades. From hearing about my grandmother’s experiences as a dark-skinned Black woman in the 30’s and 40’s to my aunt’s to my cousin’s to mine, I’ve grown an intense fondness for any man who appreciates a brown-skinned lady…
…and I’m half-White. Go figure.
This originally appeared on Ryan Barrett’s blog.
Tags: black men dating black women, Cheap Thrills, interracial dating, michelle and barack obama, white guys dating black women
I get this point of view, I do. But as a white woman dating a Jewish man (And yes, that IS interracial dating–just ask his grandparents.), it hurts to read it. I value cultural identity–Lord knows I have my own–so I get the argument for why interracial/interfaith dating waters cultures down. But at the end of the day it’s the white women who are the villains, not the men who fall in love with them, or, on the opposite end, the women who choose to date white men. Don’t think it extends outside of the black/white dating community? It does; look up the word Shiksa. The fact that it even exists as a word horrifies me.
As women it kills me that we do this to each other. We’re supposed to be a wider network, a web that supports each other by the virtue that we all share in so many experiences. But instead we rip each other apart for not sharing enough. Shouldn’t we be valuing the things that make us different? Doesn’t it make us understand and appreciate who we are even more?
It’s disappointing. I just hope that one day my kids won’t have to ask why they aren’t Jewish enough, or what it means that their mom is a Shiksa.
The reason why a lot of black women feel this way about black male white female interracial relationships is because its kinda like teacher student sex relationships. For example, most male teens who are having sex with a fine female teacher although wrong have a lesser probability of being frowned upon because it is not seen as an act that is invasive unless the teacher is very ugly. Don’t believe me, take a look at the prison sentencing of beautiful female teachers versus ugly female teachers. Conversely, when a male teacher is having relations with a female student, it’s always deemed as perverse and contreversial because the male being of sound adult mind should’ve waited for the fruit to rippen before plucking it from the tree. Male teachers cause a feeling of betrayal to fathers male teacher has taken their daughter’s goodies; it’s almost like they can feel it themselves. Consequently, male teachers face longer prison sentencing when caught. It’s amazing! But I think I can speak for a lot of black men when I say that a lot of Black men don’t frown or care that a Black women is involved interracially. Instead, I think we wonder what that white man got that we don’t especially if the Black woman is FINE! Black men don’t care about those things; they especially don’t care if the black girl is ugly. Unfortunately, I think Black women don’t feel or act the same. When they see a Black man with a white woman, you can literally see the scorn on their faces, you can read it on their foreheads. It says “How could you!? I know you didn’t come up in here with a white girl on your arm!? I think it’s because of the trials that black women have to go through to find a black mate. Black women will frequently ask “Where are the good black men?” It’s as if they have a mental count of how many available “good” black men embedded in their brain. They have this notion that most black males are either in jail, dead, or gay. But it’s surprising how many good black men black women overlook to get to thet one they thought was good for them. Black Women are waaay more discriminate when it comes to their choice of mates too. Their mates have to have a job making x amount of dollars, must be of a certain education level, must have a certain body type, must look a certain way, and lay pipe proper. Some black women just settle with man because of his pipe laying skills, but sophisticated ones don’t. Their mates must meet this checklist and because of this list, black women often overlook dozens of black men who may be lacking one or more of their requirements just to settle for the one that does. Once that man doesn’t turn out to be what she expected, it’s suddenly “Where are all the good black men…again?” When they can’t find anyone, they eventually go interracial…But as a black man, don’t you dare go interracial on them because you are like those adult male teachers taking their goodies.
This article makes me very sad.
I am, not for the first time, in a relationship with someone that is not of my ethnic background (I am white… second generation american. In my profession, I am the Director of Human Resources and battle the conversation of discrimination ALL OF THE TIME
First of all…. let me say Thank You for posting this article. Thank you, truly for the insight.
That being said, the posting makes me very sad.
I am involved in an inter-racial relationship, not my first. I am a second generation american from Canadian, German decent. But no doubt about it, I am white.
As an HR Director for a minority owned population, I battle this conversation ALL
Black men and women who date or marry outside of their race do so because of their own intense feelings of inferiority – Yes, educated blacks experience more feelings of inferiority than their less fortunate counterparts. Once they have graduated from a predominately white institution they espouse to the idea that they no longer have anything in common with other blacks other than skin color. And they put up this facade thinking it will skyrocket them deep into white culture. This is nothing new – It goes way back to the days when negroes were chiming “I live in an all white neighborhood” or “I go to an all white school”. These statements were supposed to be testaments to the fact that the negro had arrived at the doorstep of his master and that his master was going to willingly invite him in. Nothing was farther from the truth. Most of us are forgetting that we are still a colonized people and colonized people are always looked upon as inferior and always considered the property of their colonizers – White men have always thought of themselves as gods to black women and that black women were theirs for the taking. Historically the black woman was always a commodity for the white man – They were good “enuff” to sleep with but never good “enuff” to marry. Black women in particular who date or marry white men see these men as their deliverers and saviors.
They get temporary relief from their feeling of iinferiority. Many of you would never date or marry an albino – why is this? Is it “becuz” they are not the real deal? Then in your confused state of mind you call your offspring black. You can’t mix black and white and get still get black. Hello Masters, Phd, and BS degrees. You get mixed, mulatto, quadroon, or octoroon but never black. Do you really want how confused a sister is. Check this out.!! A sister will let you see all of her glory while in her two piece bikini and will run and hide to keep you from seeing her in her bra and panties. Many of you sisters will say that a bikini set and panty and bra are different becuz you don’t understand the game of redefinition. (How the white man takes one thing and gives many names and purpose.
The bottom line here is that some Black men and women suffer from some kind of Stockholm Syndrome as a result of employing the strategy to form an emotional attachment to the offspring of their oppressors in order to maximize the probability that this offspring will somehow enable — at the very least — assure their survival.
In Clear View
I hope it is okay with the blog owner if I post this:
If you’re a black woman interested in dating interracially, there is a blog that will be helpful for you called “For The Sistas.” It also has posts on dating for black Christian women. Some of the posts are a bit long, but they aren’t any longer than the cover story of a magazine article and I really do think they’ll be useful to you. The blog address is ForTheSistas (dot) blogspot (dot) com. By the way, the blog also has information on dating men from Europe.
Black women need to get off this black-man-only band wagon because, for too many, it obviously is not working. I’m not saying don’t date black men, just expand your options. Please forward this to other black women you know.