Who is this Hot Blonde Rambo Lady, and Why is She So Angry?

So much for humor, semi-linear storylines and familiar faces. Episode three of Lost Season Five boldly went where it has always gone (albeit convolutedly) before.

Many of Lost’s detractors blame these confusing plotlines, unclear timelines, and too darn many characters for their lack of interest in the show. Clearly J.J. Abrams, et al, aren’t concerned about losing any viewers or gaining any new ones: all three of these elements were back with a vengeance this week.

The perplexing elements of this episode included, but were not limited to:

—A new hot blonde Rambo chick.

—A vegetative-state blonde chick in a coma somewhere near Oxford, England.

—A young, bellicose Charles Widmore.

—An old, evil Charles Widmore (seated next to a “Namaste” painting in his office, just to confuse the love-loving yogis in the fanbase).

—Latin-speaking Others.

—50-year flashbacks.

—50-year flashforwards.

—A newborn baby for Penny and Desmond (named Charlie! After late great boyfriend of Claire or Penny’s dad?).

—A toddler-age baby for Penny and Desmond (named Charlie! After late great boyfriend of Claire or Penny’s dad?).

Like any longterm relationship worth its salt, Lost asks a lot of its fans, and usually gives a lot in return. Our commitment to the series is bolstered by its complexity: we feel rewarded by our dedication to figuring out the enticingly complex stories and players. But this was just a little too much—especially without the comforting comic relief of Hurley and Sawyer (Hurley didn’t make an appearance in this episode at all, neither did Kate, Jack, Sun, or any of the Oceanic Six). The one, teensy tiny light moment came in the form of Sawyer’s recycled nickname for last week’s character-casualty: “Frogurt”. Otherwise, the story was all serious serious faces, frowns, and furrowed brows. No fun. The signature whooshing and climaxing Lost sound-effects didn’t even come with the payoff they usually bring.

A confession that will appall many a Lost fanatic: I even started to drift off to sleep halfway into the episode as Desmond made his way to Oxford. Yawn. I love the nerdy, academic stuff ‘n all, but all they gave us at the academic pillar was a dusty, abandoned, blocked off research room. Borrrring!

I will grant the episode this: Daniel Farraday, a character about whom I’d been on the fence, became a lot more interesting this week. Previously on Lost (heh heh), he’d been a one-dimensional, close-talking, bumbling science geek. I sensed there was something more to him, but what? Aha! He “did” something terrible to “that girl” (the aforementioned bed-ridden blonde woman).

The meager episode-ending kicker: a bloody nose of Daniel Farraday’s redheaded girlfriend. That’s what you give us as reason to tune in next week? Well, lucky for Lost, most of us probably will be tuning in again. But if they keep this up? Who knows. I can only hope that the writers were saving all their good jokes and plot twists for an amazing episode four.

Tags: episode 3, Lost, season five