The dark, handsome man with the stunning eyes has lost that loving feeling. Joaquin Pheonix hit up Letterman on Wednesday to promote his new film “Two Lovers” …or to promote his recent slip into a large, milky bowl of cuckoo! puffs—you be the judge.  Phoenix was distant for most of the interview, slurred one-word answers here and there, and had the common courtesy to rid himself of his chewing gum by sticking it under Letterman’s desk. What a gent! (Was the whole act real or a hoax? Hmm.)

But if you thought Joaquin was trippin’, check out his wedgie-sporting co-star and her mommy-fied dominatrix get-up.  Red-carpet ready? This is what you call red-carpet rrrreow!

Chris Brown’s career is officially over. After news broke that Brown was arrested in connection with bruising up his girlfriend Rihanna, the folks over at Wrigley suspended their ad campaigns featuring the male singer as a Doublemint spokesperson. A performance at an NBA All-Stars event was canceled as well. Radio stations have stopped playing his tunes. Friends are saying that Rihanna’s been sporting bruises since December. Poor Rihanna canceled a big birthday bash she was planning for herself in NYC later this month. And as for Brown, who dropped $50,000 to bail himself out of jail—he changed his Facebook relationship status. Priorities, priorities.

How much would you pay for a naked (full frontal!) pic of Madonna? Monopoly money doesn’t count. Or what about a nude pic of Heidi Klum doing her best impression of a Robert Palmer backup singer on the crapper? Simply irresponsible.

Speaking of magazine covers, has everyone seen the First Lady on the cover of Vogue? She sizzles fo’ shizzles!

And what celeb is putting her breastmilk where a Third World baby’s mouth is? Angelina? Good guess, but no. The OctoMom? If Angelina ain’t doing it, then she ain’t either. So guess again. (Hint: Who in Hollywood has the breastiest non-plastic breasts in town? Not. That. Difficult.)

Another drug-using athlete, another headline heyday for The New York Post.

News Alert: In case you were wondering, Ryan Seacrest is not gay (I repeat: NOT GAY) everyone. Now, let’s all get back to not being gay, shall we?

Tags: david letterman, joaquin phoenix