week in gossip

The Week in Gossip: Who’s Way Cooler Than His Uptight Mom?

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

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Cruz Beckham is a gangsta. While his mother wore the most restrictive of pencil dresses and the frowniest of frowns to a 4-year-old’s birthday bash, Cruz hit up his party looking like THE MAN. Mask? Check. Fake, plastic six-pack? Check. Scissor hands? Check. Take note, Momma Posh: This is how to get things done. (And, if the Wolverine getup wasn’t enough, the little man fashionist-o left the party with a completely different look. Iron Man fan, anyone?)

Nicky Hilton made a citizen’s arrest on some poor homeless dude. OK, so the dude “attacked” her, but still—who wouldn’t spot a Hilton walking into an IHOP and get a very strong urge to make a grab for one of those thousand dollar extensions? Who…wouldn’t?

Let’s. Talk. Oscars. Jai Ho! Slumdog took the night, raking in a total of eight Oscars, including big, bad “Best Picture.” Sean Penn was named “Best Actor” and Kate Winslet beat out my beloved Meryl Streep for “Best Actress.” The dearly departed Heath Ledger took “Best Supporting Actor” for his role in “The Dark Knight,” and Penelope Cruz took home the “Best Supporting Actress” trophy for her role in that movie with the really long, name-ish (”Vicki-Christina-I-Have-An-Itch-Where’s-The-Nearest-Drug-Store-In-Barcelona?”) title. And Mickey Rourke—Was. Robbed. PLUS—Sharon Stone took her nipples for a walk down the Red Carpet, but they sadly didn’t win any last minute accolades.

Want to know more? Click here for a video list of the top ten Oscar moments. And here for an awesome Red Carpet recap. And here for an even awesomer Red Carpet recap.

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Sisterhood of the Traveling Mom Jeans: Rosie O’Donnell popped in for a visit on “The Tyra Banks” show to talk about her woes with menopause and how one Mom ‘O Muscle gal pal (aka: Louis Vuitton’s new naughty hottie) is giving her all kinds of helpful tips, tricks, and…”the cream.” <…crickets, crickets…> The cream. Did this discussion just take a turn down the NSFW aisle?

What skinny reality show host is putting the moves on a beefy Hardee’s Bacon Western Thickburger in an upcoming commercial? (Hint: She’s obviously not the gourmet foodie she plays on TV—WHICH IS WHY CARLA WAS ROBBED! My favorite muppet should have won in this week’s finale episode, biatches! You know this.)

The Octo-Mom is still squeezing the most out of her 15 secs of defame. Nadya Suleman and her level-headed mother had an on-camera verbal dispute that goes absolutely nowhere—but is still totally worth every minute of our time. While Suleman goes on and on about the sanctity of life, her mother calls her a dumbass (in so many words) again and again. Typical loving fam, no? But then, news broke later this week that Suleman possibly conned some dude into volunteering sperm to her cause by pulling a fictitious cancer card out of her unremorseful arse. Can somebody please get this woman institutionalized?

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The Week in Gossip: All Dogs Go to Heaven (Except Chris Brown)

Sunday, February 22nd, 2009

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R.I.P. Loki: Mickey Rourke’s fave pup died on Monday. Little Loki was 126 (dog) years old. The chihuahua, whom Rourke affectionately referred to as “the love of [his] life,” was no stranger to red carpets—his owner brought him here, there, everywhere, and even thanked him in a recent Golden Globe acceptance speech—and fashionable rags. The dog was better dressed than Rourke most of the time, but then again, who the hell isn’t?

Alright, who dunnit?: Pics of Rihanna’s beaten-up and swollen face paraded around the Internet this week—and LAPD is p*ssed. The police department has no idea who leaked the photos, but what’s done is done. And now that we know what a little sh*t Chris Brown is, we should throw him to the lions. That’s right, the president of L.A. Boxing, Anthony Geisler, has issued a public call for Brown to step into the ring to fight “a real opponent.” To that end, Geisler started an “I want to fight Chris Brown” Facebook forum. Let’s all wiggle our noses and cross our fingers that the little Brown piece of sh*t accepts the challenge. (Couple this with a stiff drink and—how awesome of a birthday present is that for Rihanna, who turned 21 on Friday?)

But the Lifetime Made-for-TV Movie only gets worse: Star mag reports that Rihanna still loves Brown, whom she dated for almost a year. The two are reportedly still in touch with each other, as Rihanna likes to check in to make sure Brown is doing OK. What the—ugh.

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Pam Ham-derson took the girls for a walk. Everyone’s second favorite Baywatch beauty (second to this finger-lickin’, yum-yum piece of crass) shimmied down the runway in a gold-spangled onesie for the Richie Rich fashion show this week. Girlfriend got a lot of criticism from the press for looking like a cougar in heat, but I think she actually looks pretty damn good for a 42-year-old drag queen.

And guess what suit-sporting stud’s been named GQ’s most stylish man in America. Hint: He’ll be saying, “Bye, Bye, Bye” to Jessica Biel soon cuz my ring finger be getting a little cold up in here. Yessirre.

Tune in tonight to scope out all the red carpet Oscar fug—cuz, let’s be honest, who cares about the appropriately dressed? Bring on the nipple slips, hair icks, and straight up nasty! Speaking of nasty,  the economy is starving our fave celebs of all the hard-earned “schwag” they get (for free!) during this year’s awards season. (Now where else is a gal gonna get a $5,000 crapper to cough up those cookies? Or a $3,500 watch to plan for a “fashionably” late arrival?) Poor celebrities. I guess they’ll have to crack open their multi-million dollar piggy banks to buy their own overpriced junk this year. Boo. Hoo.

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The Week in Gossip: What Happened to Joaquin?

Friday, February 13th, 2009

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The dark, handsome man with the stunning eyes has lost that loving feeling. Joaquin Pheonix hit up Letterman on Wednesday to promote his new film “Two Lovers” …or to promote his recent slip into a large, milky bowl of cuckoo! puffs—you be the judge.  Phoenix was distant for most of the interview, slurred one-word answers here and there, and had the common courtesy to rid himself of his chewing gum by sticking it under Letterman’s desk. What a gent! (Was the whole act real or a hoax? Hmm.)

But if you thought Joaquin was trippin’, check out his wedgie-sporting co-star and her mommy-fied dominatrix get-up.  Red-carpet ready? This is what you call red-carpet rrrreow!

Chris Brown’s career is officially over. After news broke that Brown was arrested in connection with bruising up his girlfriend Rihanna, the folks over at Wrigley suspended their ad campaigns featuring the male singer as a Doublemint spokesperson. A performance at an NBA All-Stars event was canceled as well. Radio stations have stopped playing his tunes. Friends are saying that Rihanna’s been sporting bruises since December. Poor Rihanna canceled a big birthday bash she was planning for herself in NYC later this month. And as for Brown, who dropped $50,000 to bail himself out of jail—he changed his Facebook relationship status. Priorities, priorities.

How much would you pay for a naked (full frontal!) pic of Madonna? Monopoly money doesn’t count. Or what about a nude pic of Heidi Klum doing her best impression of a Robert Palmer backup singer on the crapper? Simply irresponsible.

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Speaking of magazine covers, has everyone seen the First Lady on the cover of Vogue? She sizzles fo’ shizzles!

And what celeb is putting her breastmilk where a Third World baby’s mouth is? Angelina? Good guess, but no. The OctoMom? If Angelina ain’t doing it, then she ain’t either. So guess again. (Hint: Who in Hollywood has the breastiest non-plastic breasts in town? Not. That. Difficult.)

Another drug-using athlete, another headline heyday for The New York Post.

News Alert: In case you were wondering, Ryan Seacrest is not gay (I repeat: NOT GAY) everyone. Now, let’s all get back to not being gay, shall we?

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The Week in Gossip: Mickey Rourke’s Parisian Trip

Friday, February 6th, 2009

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Puff! The Magic Olympian … An old pic of Mike Phelps getting a gold medal high surfaced and had everyone in a hissy this week. As of yesterday, USA Swimming suspended Phelps from partaking in any competitions and cut off all funding for the next three months. The cereal chumps over at Kellogg announced that they will not renew their sponsorship deal when Phelps’ contract expires at the end of February. If that ain’t enough, some punk sheriff is trying to charge the swim douche for breaking the law in his county. As for Phelps, well, he says he’s sorry, but what he really means is—he didn’t inhale. No sirree. The only “high” he knows is swimmer’s high. So get off his back.

All my Beyoncé haters—now put your hands UP! If y’all don’t remember, Beyoncé sang “At Last” for our new fuzzy wuzzy prezzy and his First Lady on the night of the inauguration. Well, the original sanger of the song—the venerable Etta James—has stepped forward to announce that she ain’t too happy with her tune getting hijacked by the newbie songstress. In fact, she’s p*ssed and says Beyoncé is “going to get her ass whooped.” Whoopee!

F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Christian Bale has a one-f*cking-word vocabulary and I’m f*cking feelin’ it. Anyone want to f*cking dance? I f*cking thought so. F*ck!

Mickey Rourke must be a fan of Blue’s Clues. (No surprise there.) And who’s a fan of Mickey Rourke? This woman. …And it’s a sad, sad day in France.

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Poor Miley Cyrus. If people aren’t calling her an underage skank, then they’re calling her a racist. Skanky? She can live with that. But why would anyone think she’s racist? I mean, she was just saying “cheese” and making a funny face. It’s not like she was photographed sucking on a bong or anything—I mean, that would be totally offensive.

Guess whose opportunistic booty might pose nude for Playboy. Don’t think too hard. Here’s a hint: She recently showed up for an important (nationally televised) audition wearing her highest stripper heels and some version of a bathing suit. And she smacked a big, wet one on in-the-closet Seacrest—and thought he actually liked it. So, who we got?

And 14 cheers (or jeers?) for the mom who gave birth to octuplets and already had six youngins under the age of 8 crawling around at home. Nadya Suleman is an insta-celeb because all eight of her babes made it through the delivery (rare!) and, despite being born nine weeks premature, are growing stronger every day. She also made headlines because she’s a single momma and lives at home with her parents—who filed for bankruptcy about a year and half ago. The media demand for Suleman is out of control (uh, TV show offers?), so she hired a PR agency to represent. The hot momma decided to give her first interview to “The Today Show”—of course—and portion of the interview aired today.

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The Week in Gossip: We Should Be Ashamed of Ourselves

Friday, January 30th, 2009

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Can’t we all just leave Jessica Simpson alone? Lady Lovely Locks strutted her country stuff on a stage in Florida last weekend and the crowd went wild—with whispers. Shhhh! (Is she, could she, no way … a whole size two?) The blogosphere followed up with fat jokes a plenty. People, give the girl a break. I personally appreciate the fact that Jessica stopped starving herself and started eating a few egg whites every other day. And I’m not alone: Kim Kardashian agrees. Lil’ sis Ashlee does too. So what’s our penance for being hypercritical a-holes? Look in the mirror. That’ll do.

Speaking of food, what the hell is Bruce Springsteen thinking with this Supermarket Sweep song on his new album? It’s supposed to be an ode to the lady at the checkout counter, which is sweet and all, but sorry dude—the song belongs on clearance. And the vid on YouTube is past its expiration date. Even the dumpster divers are keeping their distance. Pee-yew!

POP QUIZ! Gerber baby x 2 + superstah mom and pop – one Billy Bob + four other rugrats = The Hottie Bunch.

It’s good to know that Amy Fisher really cleaned herself up in prison. Girlfriend is now a momma of three and a porn star to boot. Hooray! (And, for the record, if you shoot someone’s wife in the head with a semiautomatic pistol, you can’t simply refer to it as “something stupid” you did in high school. Sneaking out of your bedroom after curfew to go meet your friends at Taco Bell for a 99 cent bean burrito and then getting caught  is “something stupid” you did in high school. But I must say, that bean burrito was worth it.)

The hat with nine lives. It just won’t die! Aretha Franklin got criticized for wearing a bow-rific hat to Obama’s inauguration ceremony. But hey, the hat is here to stay. Like it or not. It keeps popping up. On Facebook. On blogs. On YouTube (see below). And the bow just gets bigger every time. Love it, love it!

 

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Word on the street is that 21-year-old Evan Rachel Wood is getting cozy with, of all things, Mickey Rourke, who is 56 going on mummification. Boyfriend nearly drugged and drank himself to the grave years ago, but has made a “comeback” and is racking up the award nominations (and wins) for his role in The Wrestler. The man may have cleaned himself up (kinda), which is sexy and admirable in some circles, but the fact that he plays Wood’s father in the film makes this relationship borderline incestuous. Call me crazy. Or don’t.

Look y’all! Winehouse made a friend! And they’re playing strip Scrabble! And Winehouse is obviously at a loss for words, cuz, uh … hmm. She’s pathetically losing. Shouldn’t the game be over by now?

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