Cruz Beckham is a gangsta. While his mother wore the most restrictive of pencil dresses and the frowniest of frowns to a 4-year-old’s birthday bash, Cruz hit up his party looking like THE MAN. Mask? Check. Fake, plastic six-pack? Check. Scissor hands? Check. Take note, Momma Posh: This is how to get things done. (And, if the Wolverine getup wasn’t enough, the little man fashionist-o left the party with a completely different look. Iron Man fan, anyone?)

Nicky Hilton made a citizen’s arrest on some poor homeless dude. OK, so the dude “attacked” her, but still—who wouldn’t spot a Hilton walking into an IHOP and get a very strong urge to make a grab for one of those thousand dollar extensions? Who…wouldn’t?

Let’s. Talk. Oscars. Jai Ho! Slumdog took the night, raking in a total of eight Oscars, including big, bad “Best Picture.” Sean Penn was named “Best Actor” and Kate Winslet beat out my beloved Meryl Streep for “Best Actress.” The dearly departed Heath Ledger took “Best Supporting Actor” for his role in “The Dark Knight,” and Penelope Cruz took home the “Best Supporting Actress” trophy for her role in that movie with the really long, name-ish (”Vicki-Christina-I-Have-An-Itch-Where’s-The-Nearest-Drug-Store-In-Barcelona?”) title. And Mickey Rourke—Was. Robbed. PLUS—Sharon Stone took her nipples for a walk down the Red Carpet, but they sadly didn’t win any last minute accolades.

Want to know more? Click here for a video list of the top ten Oscar moments. And here for an awesome Red Carpet recap. And here for an even awesomer Red Carpet recap.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Mom Jeans: Rosie O’Donnell popped in for a visit on “The Tyra Banks” show to talk about her woes with menopause and how one Mom ‘O Muscle gal pal (aka: Louis Vuitton’s new naughty hottie) is giving her all kinds of helpful tips, tricks, and…”the cream.” <…crickets, crickets…> The cream. Did this discussion just take a turn down the NSFW aisle?

What skinny reality show host is putting the moves on a beefy Hardee’s Bacon Western Thickburger in an upcoming commercial? (Hint: She’s obviously not the gourmet foodie she plays on TV—WHICH IS WHY CARLA WAS ROBBED! My favorite muppet should have won in this week’s finale episode, biatches! You know this.)

The Octo-Mom is still squeezing the most out of her 15 secs of defame. Nadya Suleman and her level-headed mother had an on-camera verbal dispute that goes absolutely nowhere—but is still totally worth every minute of our time. While Suleman goes on and on about the sanctity of life, her mother calls her a dumbass (in so many words) again and again. Typical loving fam, no? But then, news broke later this week that Suleman possibly conned some dude into volunteering sperm to her cause by pulling a fictitious cancer card out of her unremorseful arse. Can somebody please get this woman institutionalized?

R.I.P. Loki: Mickey Rourke’s fave pup died on Monday. Little Loki was 126 (dog) years old. The chihuahua, whom Rourke affectionately referred to as “the love of [his] life,” was no stranger to red carpets—his owner brought him here, there, everywhere, and even thanked him in a recent Golden Globe acceptance speech—and fashionable rags. The dog was better dressed than Rourke most of the time, but then again, who the hell isn’t?

Alright, who dunnit?: Pics of Rihanna’s beaten-up and swollen face paraded around the Internet this week—and LAPD is p*ssed. The police department has no idea who leaked the photos, but what’s done is done. And now that we know what a little sh*t Chris Brown is, we should throw him to the lions. That’s right, the president of L.A. Boxing, Anthony Geisler, has issued a public call for Brown to step into the ring to fight “a real opponent.” To that end, Geisler started an “I want to fight Chris Brown” Facebook forum. Let’s all wiggle our noses and cross our fingers that the little Brown piece of sh*t accepts the challenge. (Couple this with a stiff drink and—how awesome of a birthday present is that for Rihanna, who turned 21 on Friday?)

But the Lifetime Made-for-TV Movie only gets worse: Star mag reports that Rihanna still loves Brown, whom she dated for almost a year. The two are reportedly still in touch with each other, as Rihanna likes to check in to make sure Brown is doing OK. What the—ugh.

Pam Ham-derson took the girls for a walk. Everyone’s second favorite Baywatch beauty (second to this finger-lickin’, yum-yum piece of crass) shimmied down the runway in a gold-spangled onesie for the Richie Rich fashion show this week. Girlfriend got a lot of criticism from the press for looking like a cougar in heat, but I think she actually looks pretty damn good for a 42-year-old drag queen.

And guess what suit-sporting stud’s been named GQ’s most stylish man in America. Hint: He’ll be saying, “Bye, Bye, Bye” to Jessica Biel soon cuz my ring finger be getting a little cold up in here. Yessirre.

Tune in tonight to scope out all the red carpet Oscar fug—cuz, let’s be honest, who cares about the appropriately dressed? Bring on the nipple slips, hair icks, and straight up nasty! Speaking of nasty,  the economy is starving our fave celebs of all the hard-earned “schwag” they get (for free!) during this year’s awards season. (Now where else is a gal gonna get a $5,000 crapper to cough up those cookies? Or a $3,500 watch to plan for a “fashionably” late arrival?) Poor celebrities. I guess they’ll have to crack open their multi-million dollar piggy banks to buy their own overpriced junk this year. Boo. Hoo.

The dark, handsome man with the stunning eyes has lost that loving feeling. Joaquin Pheonix hit up Letterman on Wednesday to promote his new film “Two Lovers” …or to promote his recent slip into a large, milky bowl of cuckoo! puffs—you be the judge.  Phoenix was distant for most of the interview, slurred one-word answers here and there, and had the common courtesy to rid himself of his chewing gum by sticking it under Letterman’s desk. What a gent! (Was the whole act real or a hoax? Hmm.)

But if you thought Joaquin was trippin’, check out his wedgie-sporting co-star and her mommy-fied dominatrix get-up.  Red-carpet ready? This is what you call red-carpet rrrreow!

Chris Brown’s career is officially over. After news broke that Brown was arrested in connection with bruising up his girlfriend Rihanna, the folks over at Wrigley suspended their ad campaigns featuring the male singer as a Doublemint spokesperson. A performance at an NBA All-Stars event was canceled as well. Radio stations have stopped playing his tunes. Friends are saying that Rihanna’s been sporting bruises since December. Poor Rihanna canceled a big birthday bash she was planning for herself in NYC later this month. And as for Brown, who dropped $50,000 to bail himself out of jail—he changed his Facebook relationship status. Priorities, priorities.

How much would you pay for a naked (full frontal!) pic of Madonna? Monopoly money doesn’t count. Or what about a nude pic of Heidi Klum doing her best impression of a Robert Palmer backup singer on the crapper? Simply irresponsible.

Speaking of magazine covers, has everyone seen the First Lady on the cover of Vogue? She sizzles fo’ shizzles!

And what celeb is putting her breastmilk where a Third World baby’s mouth is? Angelina? Good guess, but no. The OctoMom? If Angelina ain’t doing it, then she ain’t either. So guess again. (Hint: Who in Hollywood has the breastiest non-plastic breasts in town? Not. That. Difficult.)

Another drug-using athlete, another headline heyday for The New York Post.

News Alert: In case you were wondering, Ryan Seacrest is not gay (I repeat: NOT GAY) everyone. Now, let’s all get back to not being gay, shall we?

Puff! The Magic Olympian … An old pic of Mike Phelps getting a gold medal high surfaced and had everyone in a hissy this week. As of yesterday, USA Swimming suspended Phelps from partaking in any competitions and cut off all funding for the next three months. The cereal chumps over at Kellogg announced that they will not renew their sponsorship deal when Phelps’ contract expires at the end of February. If that ain’t enough, some punk sheriff is trying to charge the swim douche for breaking the law in his county. As for Phelps, well, he says he’s sorry, but what he really means is—he didn’t inhale. No sirree. The only “high” he knows is swimmer’s high. So get off his back.

All my Beyoncé haters—now put your hands UP! If y’all don’t remember, Beyoncé sang “At Last” for our new fuzzy wuzzy prezzy and his First Lady on the night of the inauguration. Well, the original sanger of the song—the venerable Etta James—has stepped forward to announce that she ain’t too happy with her tune getting hijacked by the newbie songstress. In fact, she’s p*ssed and says Beyoncé is “going to get her ass whooped.” Whoopee!

F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Christian Bale has a one-f*cking-word vocabulary and I’m f*cking feelin’ it. Anyone want to f*cking dance? I f*cking thought so. F*ck!

Mickey Rourke must be a fan of Blue’s Clues. (No surprise there.) And who’s a fan of Mickey Rourke? This woman. …And it’s a sad, sad day in France.

Poor Miley Cyrus. If people aren’t calling her an underage skank, then they’re calling her a racist. Skanky? She can live with that. But why would anyone think she’s racist? I mean, she was just saying “cheese” and making a funny face. It’s not like she was photographed sucking on a bong or anything—I mean, that would be totally offensive.

Guess whose opportunistic booty might pose nude for Playboy. Don’t think too hard. Here’s a hint: She recently showed up for an important (nationally televised) audition wearing her highest stripper heels and some version of a bathing suit. And she smacked a big, wet one on in-the-closet Seacrest—and thought he actually liked it. So, who we got?

And 14 cheers (or jeers?) for the mom who gave birth to octuplets and already had six youngins under the age of 8 crawling around at home. Nadya Suleman is an insta-celeb because all eight of her babes made it through the delivery (rare!) and, despite being born nine weeks premature, are growing stronger every day. She also made headlines because she’s a single momma and lives at home with her parents—who filed for bankruptcy about a year and half ago. The media demand for Suleman is out of control (uh, TV show offers?), so she hired a PR agency to represent. The hot momma decided to give her first interview to “The Today Show”—of course—and portion of the interview aired today.

Can’t we all just leave Jessica Simpson alone? Lady Lovely Locks strutted her country stuff on a stage in Florida last weekend and the crowd went wild—with whispers. Shhhh! (Is she, could she, no way … a whole size two?) The blogosphere followed up with fat jokes a plenty. People, give the girl a break. I personally appreciate the fact that Jessica stopped starving herself and started eating a few egg whites every other day. And I’m not alone: Kim Kardashian agrees. Lil’ sis Ashlee does too. So what’s our penance for being hypercritical a-holes? Look in the mirror. That’ll do.

Speaking of food, what the hell is Bruce Springsteen thinking with this Supermarket Sweep song on his new album? It’s supposed to be an ode to the lady at the checkout counter, which is sweet and all, but sorry dude—the song belongs on clearance. And the vid on YouTube is past its expiration date. Even the dumpster divers are keeping their distance. Pee-yew!

POP QUIZ! Gerber baby x 2 + superstah mom and pop – one Billy Bob + four other rugrats = The Hottie Bunch.

It’s good to know that Amy Fisher really cleaned herself up in prison. Girlfriend is now a momma of three and a porn star to boot. Hooray! (And, for the record, if you shoot someone’s wife in the head with a semiautomatic pistol, you can’t simply refer to it as “something stupid” you did in high school. Sneaking out of your bedroom after curfew to go meet your friends at Taco Bell for a 99 cent bean burrito and then getting caught  is “something stupid” you did in high school. But I must say, that bean burrito was worth it.)

The hat with nine lives. It just won’t die! Aretha Franklin got criticized for wearing a bow-rific hat to Obama’s inauguration ceremony. But hey, the hat is here to stay. Like it or not. It keeps popping up. On Facebook. On blogs. On YouTube (see below). And the bow just gets bigger every time. Love it, love it!

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Word on the street is that 21-year-old Evan Rachel Wood is getting cozy with, of all things, Mickey Rourke, who is 56 going on mummification. Boyfriend nearly drugged and drank himself to the grave years ago, but has made a “comeback” and is racking up the award nominations (and wins) for his role in The Wrestler. The man may have cleaned himself up (kinda), which is sexy and admirable in some circles, but the fact that he plays Wood’s father in the film makes this relationship borderline incestuous. Call me crazy. Or don’t.

Look y’all! Winehouse made a friend! And they’re playing strip Scrabble! And Winehouse is obviously at a loss for words, cuz, uh … hmm. She’s pathetically losing. Shouldn’t the game be over by now?

The Has-Beens rallied for the Will-Be. Ashford & Simpson, the duet that produced the catchy “Solid” (as a rock) ditty back in the ’80s revamped the song and sang it for Larry King. Their vocals were a little stale, but they got one thing right: “The future looks ha-ha-ha-hawt!” (They’re not laughing. They’re just bringing st-st-st-stuttering back, ye-ah!)

THE SUPER STAR WHO TYPES LIKE A DAMN SERIAL KILLER JUST WANTED THE HATERS OF THE WORLD TO LET HIM BE GREAT AND ACKNOWLEDGE HIS GREATNESS BY NIXING THE CRITICISM AND BUYING THE UN-PRETENTIOUS LOUIE VUITTON (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) SHOES HE HELPED DESIGN (PLUG!). PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE, HE BEGGED, JUST GIVE HIM A BREAK!!! AND DON’T BOTHER TELLING HIM HOW BADASS HE WAS WHILE PERFORMING FOR OBAMA THIS WEEK. HE LOOKED DAMN GOOD IN HIS SUIT. HE KNOWS THIS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!! PEACE OUT AND CAPS LOCK, B*TCHES!!!!!!!!!

Aretha Franklin went hat shopping, couldn’t find what she was looking for, and ended up throwing on this old thing, which kinda-sorta upstaged her performance on Tuesday. The hat already has its own Facebook fan club with over 18,000 members. Bow-yah! Move over Barack, methinks we inaugurated more than just you on Tuesday. America, make way for a new trend…

Guess who got their very own Jonas Brothers for being the most well-behaved first daughters of all time? (No, not the Bush twins. Obviously.) While Mom and Pop were making the rounds all over every dance floor in town on Tuesday, Malia and Sasha were watching High School Musical 3 with their gal pals and then embarking on a White House scavenger hunt that culminated with . . . the Jonas bros. So much for being “well-behaved.”

Speaking of the Bush twins, they got together and wrote a sweet note to the Obama girls, detailing the ins, outs, ups, and downs that come with being part of the American royal fam. Unlike their father, who also wrote a note to his successor, the Bush girls didn’t have to use “Hooked On Phonics” to get the task akomplished. Zing!

Ah, what a week. What a glorious, jam-packed, fulfilling, exciting week. Now it’s time to sit down, pat ourselves on the backs for a democratic job well done, and catch up on some much-needed shut eye while President Obama gets to work. Or…not.

They tried to make me go to a health spa, and I just crawled, crawled, crawled…Amy Winehouse, who is supposed to be detoxing at the Le Sport Spa in the Caribbean, is keeping a low profile—so to speak. Winehouse is so hard-up for a drink that she’s getting on all fours, crawling up to tables, and stealing drinks from other guests—which leads me to our quote of the week: A source at the resort told The Sun that they keep catching Winehouse “crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut.”

Question: Who packs an empty (but very real) grenade into his carry-on luggage? Answer: Johnny Jackass. LAX security officers noticed a suspicious-looking explosive in Johnny Knoxville’s bag yesterday and pulled him aside for investigation. No explosives were in tow, but a legit grenade was definitely on board. Ha. Ha. Ha. Knoxville was given a citation and promptly released to go make his flight. Special treatment much? [UPDATE: Knoxville says a wardrobe assistant had put the prop in his suitcase.]

Wanna see Ryan Seacrest get the cold shoulder from Brangelina at the Golden Globes? Pop some popcorn. This is good! (And in less important news: Kate Winslet was a big winner, taking home two globes. Slumdog Millionaire went all Michael Phelps on us too, with four globes. “30 Rock” kicked ass, as usual. And then there was Mickey Rourke.) For more serious coverage of the Globes, click here.

Who’s itching for a little more attention before the cool kid comes to town? I’ll give you one guess.

Spears and Poehler and Duff, Oh My! Sarah Jessica Parker reportedly wants Brit-Brit to partake in the Sex and the City movie sequel. Perhaps we should remind SJP that Brit’s last trip to the box office was for a little whoop-dee-doo called “Crossroads,” which proved to be a total flop. In small screen news, Amy Poehler will star in a new “Office”-inspired sitcom on NBC. The sitcom will follow the ins-and-outs of small-town government bureaucrats. Hmm. Finding humor in the incompetence of our government officials and administrators? Sounds more like the “Twilight Zone” to me! And here’s the real kicker: Hillary Duff will star in a new legal sitcom on NBC. Yes, that’s right—a legal sitcom. Duff will play a young lawyer in a Doogie Howser-ish sort of role. The name of the series? “Barely Legal.” And no, it’s not a porno.

TOP GUN OF THE WEEK: Chelsey B. “Sully” Sullenberger III, the “Hero of the Hudson.” Can I get a “W00t! W00t!” for the pilot who kept calm and kicked ass when his plane lost both of its go-go-gadget engines yesterday? Sully’s four decades of experience saved 155 lives, including that of an infant’s, when he managed to execute an impromptu landing in the Hudson River.  Bad. Ass.

And finally — Beyoncé, is that YOU? . . .

A free hand job with the purchase of a handbag? More or less. In a new ad campaign, Madonna’s 50-year-old crotch has Louis Vuitton’s brand written all over it. Aren’t you just ”itching” to add a new couture bag to your collection already? I think that’s the subliminal message here. Either that, or it’s one of those “If you had to…” ultimatums. Buy Vuitton’s bag or bag Madge’s vag—”If you had to…” which would you choose?

George W. Douche: The Musical! As if NYC hasn’t had its fair share of terrorist activity, Will Ferrell is now threatening to bring the antics of one George “Dubya” to Broadway. Ferrell was SNL’s Bush impersonator many moons ago and plans to revive his act on January 20 (which happens to be the National Day We Restore Literacy in the White House—mark your calendars!) at NY’s Cort Theater. The show will be called, “You’re Welcome America: A Final Night With George W. Bush.” Cute. But let’s make this a one night quickie, shall we? Because America is just not that into you, George W. Bush.

Speaking of quickies, POP QUIZ: What is Obama’s favorite meal? (Bush’s baked beans was my guess. But no.)

Quote of the week: “The only story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you . . . but that’s not true . . . Some people are just bad at taking drugs.” Which U.K. import (and no, not that one) made the above statement in an interview with Word magazine? And then went on to diss Christianity and her record label (for good measure)?

Flight of the Washboards Alert! Umm . . . yumm. I’m giving everyone the opportunity to check out the latest cover of Time Out New York mag because with these mugs front and center, this week’s magazine will have an abs-olutely short shelf life on newsstands. You know what they say about funny men with seriously hot bods, don’t you? Trick question! They don’t say anything because they don’t exist. (To read Time Out’s full interview with our funny Kiwi friends, click here.)

Roll Call! Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn had twins! on December 28, one of whom was named Dolly. If you think that’s a cruel name, try Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. That’s what Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet (”The Cosby Show”) are calling their new baby. And, let’s not forget, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner had another girl this past Tuesday. Her name is currently undisclosed, but may I suggest Hakuna-Matata Dr. Robota con Salsa y Spicy Jalapeno Sauce?

And the dearly departed . . . John Travolta and Kelly Preston lost their son Jett, 16, after he had a seizure in the Bahamas on January 2. The boy had a history of seizures, but the family failed to seek medical attention for the ongoing condition. Critics are wondering if their involvement in the Church of Scientology played a role in this decision. Tom Cruise adamantly defended the church during an appearance on The View yesterday. (Shocker!) And no couches were harmed during the taping of the show. (Double shocker!)

Oh, and guess whose fancy feline died this week? Hint: The answer fits in neatly with the theme of this post. Yes, I’m beating around the BUSH! BUSH! BUSH! So go ahead and take a guess.

What do you get the First Lady-elect who has everything? (And by “everything,” I mean one helluvah husband!) Try a diamond-encrusted black gold ring worth nearly $30,000. A spokesman for the designer of the ring says Obama was considering the finger candy as a thank-you-for-not-divorcing-me-during-these-last-two-years-in-hell gift for Michelle. But a rep. for Obama denies the claim. Hey, who needs a big ring when you got a big . . . smile?

Speaking of our President-elect, have you heard the latest scandal? It’s been dubbed Zunegate. Obama, who claims to be an über-cool iPod user, was seen working out at the gym with a . . . a . . . a Zune! The horror! The hypocrisy is just too much! Much too much!

Who’s numero uno on The Hollywood Reporter’s list of the most powerful women in Hollywood? If I have to tell you, then just forget it. Grab your indie music and your hoodie, and go crawl back under the rock you’ve been camping out under for the past two decades.

Finally! An arrest for the murder of J.Hud.’s family. The brother-in-law who has been in question all along, William Balfour, was arrested Monday on first-degree murder charges. It’s now been well over a month since Jennifer Hudson’s mother, brother and nephew were discovered dead. Balfour, who’s had his fair share of time behind bars for attempted murder and a car hijacking, was initially taken into custody after the bodies were found and has since remained a “person of interest.” He and Hudson’s sister were separated and at odds at the time of the murders.

Proud Mary keep on burnin‘! Check out 69-year-old Tina Turner rollin’-rollin’-rollin’ out the He-Man at Madison Square Garden on Monday night. One thing’s for sure, girlfriend’s still got some smokin’ sexy legs.

Who wants to be emancipated from her has-been, needs a haircut (and his own life) daddy? Little ol’ Miley Cyrus seems to be getting the itch that most too-famous-for-their-teenage-britches superstars get when they realize just how rich they are—she wants full control of her career, finances and love life. No parental guidance allowed. Hey, what’s wrong with wanting to be your own 16-year-old woman dammit?!

No wonder their marriage is SOSing. The best meal Angelina’s ever cooked for her handsome hubby is cereal, says Brad. To which I say—damn straight! With 25 kids running around the house, a bowl of Fruit Loops is f*cking fabulous, you hear?

So what are all the celebs giving each other this holiday season? Take a wild guess.

Brace yourself. Or better yet, pop a bottle—of Pepto. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag reportedly tied the knot in Mexico last week. And get this: They didn’t even call to prep the paparazzi beforehand. Those posers actually kept the ceremony a secret—probably to keep “the fans” from hurling spitballs at them during their oh so vomitous vows. You know what this means: The spawn of Speidi will soon be upon us. (Dah, dah, DAH!)

Speaking of celebrity offspring—soap please. Guess whose 3-year-old already has an f-ing potty mouth? (Don’t think too hard.)

And Little Miss Crazy’s long-awaited “comeback” album has been conveniently leaked onto the Internet for our listening pleasure—although dragging our nails across a chalkboard would be equally as soothing and a little less predictable—so give it play. The album will drop for reals this Tuesday. And yes, that’s a threat.

Speaking of music, the American Music Awards came and went last Sunday. Chris Brown, 19, stole the night and took home three awards, including artist of the year. His girly, Rihanna, didn’t go home empty-handed either. Power couple much? And it goes without saying that 5-year-old Taylor Swift kicked some adult tail too—what the hell are they putting in those Fruit Loops nowadays?

Just when you thought Kanye West was beside the point, he goes and wins an American Music Award and begins dressing Beyoncé. To. My. Horror.

If you recall, we were all about the sexy last week. We dished on how Hugh Jackman was named People mag’s Yum of the Year. The announcement came as a bit of a shocker (only because our boy Obama was ROBBED) and sources say it even left George Clooney in the cold. Apparently Clooney, who’s had his finger on the pulse of hott for two whole years, gave Jackman a 2 a.m. wake-up call to whine a little—hey, it’s tough being out-of-season sexy.

Who else is bitter? Nicole “I-once-married-Tom-Cruise-so-I-have-no-room-to-talk” Kidman thinks her new hubby, Keith Urban, was totally overlooked for the People mag sexiest title. (He is, after all, the Lady Lovely Locks of country music, y’all.)

Had your fill of sexy? Here’s a fun way to make some ugly. Enjoy.

Because the American public can’t possibly judge for itself, the major mags go out of their way every year to tell us who the sexiest man on the planet is. And no, it’s not a matter of opinion. It’s not a result of any Gallup polls or any real research into the amount of sex any of these contenders have—or could have. It’s a matter of simple fact. Certifiable, scientific fact . . . which is why every news source names a different winner:

Hugh Jackman has People mag wrapped around his little . . . (cue the Baywatch theme song.)

Robert Downey, Jr. is the naughty on Salon’s mind.

The folks over at GQ couldn’t make up their damn minds, so our boy Obama had to share the “Man of the Year” spotlight with the Lord of the Titanic, the World’s Most Accomplished Douche, and What’s His Name.

But if we’re talking seriously sexy, then we need to take a peek at the hottie who’s been hiding under Rihanna’s umbrella. We find her stranded on the side of the road in her new music vid and, out of nowhere, Handsome on a Harley arrives to save the day—cuz he can get any gal’s motor running. (Unless that gal happens to be one of these tweenyboppers who worship the ground David Archuletta crawls on. Oy.)

And then there’s Kanye, WHO TYPES LIKE A SERIAL KILLER, but still can’t get any play. For whatever reason.

I heard Madonna was even up for consideration—hey, with that kind of muscle, girlfriend can hold her own in a man’s world—but then she stepped out the front door looking like the Grinch who stole Charlie Brown’s pathetic twiggy Christmas tree, and quickly killed her shot at being Mr. Sexy:

So—the verdict? I don’t know who’s the sexiest of ‘em all, but I can tell you what’s not sexy: the name Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz gave their new baby. Stop and say it out loud five times as fast as possible. Ready, set, . . .

Paula’s biggest stalker commits suicide. A young woman, age 30, was found dead in a vehicle parked in front of Abdul’s house on Tuesday night. The woman, who unsuccessfully auditioned for season five of “American Idol,” called herself Paula Goodspeed and had been making life-sized drawings of Abdul since she was a kid. Her death appears to be a drug-induced suicide. Simon Scowl was his usual surly self (and then some) during Goodspeed’s audition. (Straight up, now tell me: What mature adult makes fun of the metal in someone’s mouth?) We can only wonder if “American Idol” will continue to air its pre-season contestant-bashing episodes anymore.

Now that we got a black president in the White House, what we need is . . . a black Wonder Woman? Beyoncé, err, Sasha Fierce, wants to star in a new “Wonder Woman” remake. And I want to change my name to Punky Brewster and go have a tea party with the purple Teletubby, but you don’t see me going public with that. Well. Until now.

It’s official: The world as we know it may come to an end in 2011.

Family-friendly entertainment? Not when Tracy Morgan’s in the house. If you missed his appearance on “The Today Show” this week, you missed the most inappropriate utterance ever aired on morning television. (And Kathie Lee Gifford, of all people, thinks “there’s a lot of truth” to his remarks. How the heck would she know? That woman has never stepped her stilettos in any ghetto. Please.)

Is that? No. It can’t be. That’s just—wait, is it? Really? Eww. Are they sure? The National Enquirer says it has the dirt on sweet ol’ Cindy McCain locking lips with some other Johnny who resembles “a washed-up ’80s rock musician.” Fact or fiction? Who knows, but the real question is: What’s this musician’s stance on the energy crisis?

Since when is Newsweek in the business of talking dirty? The mag wants to break the news on a nine-months-from-now baby boom. Reporter Jessica Bennett is taking a poll: Who went home on Nov. 4 and had a little celebratory sexytime fun? And who went home and made a beeline for the shower to wash the Republican stench out of her hair? (Only me? Yeah, that’s what I thought.)

Anyone in the market for a conceited genius? He’s sexy, beyond talented, and itchin’ for some babies, ladies! Kanye West, who split from his fiancée last April, told People magazine that he’s single and ready to mingle— it’s just a matter of finding a woman who can tolerate that colossal ego he carries around and see through all the fame (not to mention those damn blinds) he’s got goin’ on.

When Obama let the cat out of the bag that he would follow through with his campaign promise to get the kiddies a new pup for the White House, all barking let loose. The Dog Whisperer weighed in, The New York Times had some suggestions, ABC News aired a search-for-the-First-Pup segment as part of its “election coverage,” and then—the pups themselves engaged in heavy duty campaign mudslinging and self-promotion. The week in gossip doesn’t get any juicier (or more catty) than this.

Oprah tells Brad Pitt who she thinks he should think he’s in love with. That’s right. The Queen Bee has spoken and she thinks Angelina Jolie is the love of Brad Pitt’s life. And Oprah is never wrong. (You know what this means, Jennifer Aniston—a lifetime of Johnny Douchebag for you!) Pitt reportedly told Oprah in an interview (set to air Nov. 18) that six kids ain’t enough. “It’s the greatest endeavor I’ve taken on,” he said, and went on to indicate that he’d like more. To which I say: STOP. THE. MADNESS. I believe the children are our future, but I also believe his kind of hotness needs to spend more time in front of a camera. Wearing the bare minimum. Am I wrong?

J.Hud says farewell. Funerals for Hudson’s deceased mother, brother and nephew were held at Chicago’s Apostolic Church on Monday. Oprah Winfrey, Queen Latifah, Clive Davis, “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino, and the mayor of Chicago were in attendance. It’s been two weeks since Hudson’s mother and brother were discovered dead and still no one has been charged. However, Hudson’s brother-in-law is still a “person of interest.”

Who is that on the cover of Vanity Fair? Your guess is as good as mine.

50 Cent + ol’ Bette Midler = For reals. Who would’ve thunk the two would ever share a headline, but here it is. Midler apparently hit up the rapper to collaborate with her on a community service project in Queens, New York. The project? A gangsta garden—w00t! w00t!

R.I.P. Sarah Palin, I mean Tina Fey, I mean . . . whoever the hell I mean. Or maybe I mean SNL. Fey announced that she’s retiring her Palin impersonation, which is a little hasty, if you ask me. With Palin stepping off of airliners in Alaska to crowds cheering “2012! 2012! 2012!”—methinks we’re gonna need something to laugh about come four years. Caribou Barbie’s candidacy is funny, but without Fey, it’s not that funny.

Oh no he Diddy! ICYMI: Diddy and his daughters posed for the October issue of L’Uomo Vogue. (Charges are still pending.)

Gun used to murder J.Hud’s relatives found. Or so they think. It’s been a rough week (to put it lightly) for the “American Idol” showstopper. Her mother, brother and nephew were found dead—and not all at once. New developments have surfaced on a near daily basis and the story is far from solved. We send our deepest condolences to Jen and the rest of the fam.

Move over Barack, here comes Barkley. The former NBA star told CNN’s Campbell Brown all about his big plans to be a big governor when he grows real big one day. (I kid, I kid.) Anyone who ‘fesses up to being a “big pro-choice guy” and a “big gay marriage guy” is kind of a big deal in my book.

OK, who done it? Who screwed off Cosby’s head and replaced it with this Made-in-Crazy knockoff? (Theo! Rudy! . . . Claire?)

Kanye West Likes ALL CAPS BUT THAT’S THE WAY LIFE IS SOMETIMES!

A wee-bit too much Bacon in your diet? Well, here’s a surefire way to purge your system. Anyone who thinks this punk is a suitable replacement for The Bacon is . . . probably in braces. And piling on the Noxema every night to keep that oily teenybopper complexion in order. (Which is why this makes me grab for my bottle of Tums.)

Speaking of Tums . . . Click here if you dare.

And last but never least,  Jamaican me crazy, Becks! (Alright, you had your fun. Take it off now.)

Make way for an even littler Lil Wayne! Rapper extraordinaire Lil Wayne became the daddy of a lil baby boy on Wednesday. Dwayne Carter III was born in a Cincinnati hospital to a mystery momma. Couple this with the MVP of the Year prize Lil Wayne took home from the BET Hip-Hop Awards last Sunday, and I think it’s safe to say it’s been an good lil week for our fave lil lyricist.

Speaking of offspring, make way for another self-satisfied singer/songwriter/douchebag extraordinaire. John Mayer is the alleged father of the alleged fetus growing inside Jennifer Aniston’s allegedly not malnourished (and thereby pregnable) body. For real.

Is Will Smith from Planet Unicorn? Truly reliable sources say The Fresh Prince has been palling around and “getting jiggy” with male prostitutes. Add Tom Cruise into the mix and, well, need I say more?

In other news you wish you didn’t care about (but let’s be honest), Britney Spears’ ongoing trial for driving without a license was declared a good-for-nothing mistrial on Tuesday. Obviously, the jury’s inclination to see Britney make a supposed “comeback” far outweighed its civic duty to throw her in the slammer for six whole paparazzi-free months. Priorities, priorities.