Puff! The Magic Olympian … An old pic of Mike Phelps getting a gold medal high surfaced and had everyone in a hissy this week. As of yesterday, USA Swimming suspended Phelps from partaking in any competitions and cut off all funding for the next three months. The cereal chumps over at Kellogg announced that they will not renew their sponsorship deal when Phelps’ contract expires at the end of February. If that ain’t enough, some punk sheriff is trying to charge the swim douche for breaking the law in his county. As for Phelps, well, he says he’s sorry, but what he really means is—he didn’t inhale. No sirree. The only “high” he knows is swimmer’s high. So get off his back.

All my Beyoncé haters—now put your hands UP! If y’all don’t remember, Beyoncé sang “At Last” for our new fuzzy wuzzy prezzy and his First Lady on the night of the inauguration. Well, the original sanger of the song—the venerable Etta James—has stepped forward to announce that she ain’t too happy with her tune getting hijacked by the newbie songstress. In fact, she’s p*ssed and says Beyoncé is “going to get her ass whooped.” Whoopee!

F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Christian Bale has a one-f*cking-word vocabulary and I’m f*cking feelin’ it. Anyone want to f*cking dance? I f*cking thought so. F*ck!

Mickey Rourke must be a fan of Blue’s Clues. (No surprise there.) And who’s a fan of Mickey Rourke? This woman. …And it’s a sad, sad day in France.

Poor Miley Cyrus. If people aren’t calling her an underage skank, then they’re calling her a racist. Skanky? She can live with that. But why would anyone think she’s racist? I mean, she was just saying “cheese” and making a funny face. It’s not like she was photographed sucking on a bong or anything—I mean, that would be totally offensive.

Guess whose opportunistic booty might pose nude for Playboy. Don’t think too hard. Here’s a hint: She recently showed up for an important (nationally televised) audition wearing her highest stripper heels and some version of a bathing suit. And she smacked a big, wet one on in-the-closet Seacrest—and thought he actually liked it. So, who we got?

And 14 cheers (or jeers?) for the mom who gave birth to octuplets and already had six youngins under the age of 8 crawling around at home. Nadya Suleman is an insta-celeb because all eight of her babes made it through the delivery (rare!) and, despite being born nine weeks premature, are growing stronger every day. She also made headlines because she’s a single momma and lives at home with her parents—who filed for bankruptcy about a year and half ago. The media demand for Suleman is out of control (uh, TV show offers?), so she hired a PR agency to represent. The hot momma decided to give her first interview to “The Today Show”—of course—and portion of the interview aired today.

The show that everybody loves to hate to vote but WAIT! — Did Crazy Paula clone herself on a whim, or is that a newbie at the judging table? — premiered last night.

America: Meet Kara DioGuardi, the new addition to the “American Idol” peanut gallery. She’s a one-gal songwriting machine who’s worked with the likes of Pink, The Pussycat Dolls, Xtina, and (oh boy!) Celine Di-on-and-on-and-on-and-on-and-on . . .

The question is: Can she handle the Asian tap dancer with the impossible afro, or the bizarro freak with the emo bangs whose voice sounds more like a post-surgical moan, or Sideshow Frog, or the overzealous chick with the pink cowboy hat and, oh Lord, her damn scrapbook?

DioGuardi seemed to hold up well during last night’s recap of AI’s Phoenix auditions — that is, until a certain Seacrest-smitten bathing suit beauty bounced before her eyes. Then the claws came out.

Now, I can understand the logic behind Katrina Darrell’s bathing suit get-up. This ain’t an opera house. It’s “American Idol,” which generally churns out pop stars, with a little Gaiken on the side. And in the world of pop music, a whole lotta bod can sing! sing! sing! if you know what I mean. The vocals kinda-sorta-actually get in the way of the abs, and come-hither eyes, and legs, and chest, and public displays of undiagnosed personality disorders . . . so if girlfriend got the bod, why not flaunt it?

Simon didn’t seem to mind. Neither did Randy. Paula gave Darrell the OK to go onto Hollywood as well, but DioGuardi took offense. After busting out in song and attempting to upstage the so-called “Bikini Girl,” our new judge proved . . . absolutely nothing. Whose audition was this anyway?

Does the newbie judge not understand that “American Idol” is NOT a friggin’ talent show? Two words: Hello, Sanjaya. Let’s not take ourselves too seriously here.

This is a popularity contest.

And the best damn way to win a popularity contest is to be open. Honest. Approachable. Prove that you got nothing to hide — not even your backside.

So DioGuardi better check herself. If “Bikini Girl” is willing to show a little skin to win, then she ain’t going anywhere for a while.

Tune in tonight for two more hours of “American Ogle.” Roll your eyes. But you know you want to. (Hey, maybe we’ll see Seacrest try to high-five another blind guy this evening. Now that’s what I call television!)

Paula’s biggest stalker commits suicide. A young woman, age 30, was found dead in a vehicle parked in front of Abdul’s house on Tuesday night. The woman, who unsuccessfully auditioned for season five of “American Idol,” called herself Paula Goodspeed and had been making life-sized drawings of Abdul since she was a kid. Her death appears to be a drug-induced suicide. Simon Scowl was his usual surly self (and then some) during Goodspeed’s audition. (Straight up, now tell me: What mature adult makes fun of the metal in someone’s mouth?) We can only wonder if “American Idol” will continue to air its pre-season contestant-bashing episodes anymore.

Now that we got a black president in the White House, what we need is . . . a black Wonder Woman? Beyoncé, err, Sasha Fierce, wants to star in a new “Wonder Woman” remake. And I want to change my name to Punky Brewster and go have a tea party with the purple Teletubby, but you don’t see me going public with that. Well. Until now.

It’s official: The world as we know it may come to an end in 2011.

Family-friendly entertainment? Not when Tracy Morgan’s in the house. If you missed his appearance on “The Today Show” this week, you missed the most inappropriate utterance ever aired on morning television. (And Kathie Lee Gifford, of all people, thinks “there’s a lot of truth” to his remarks. How the heck would she know? That woman has never stepped her stilettos in any ghetto. Please.)

Is that? No. It can’t be. That’s just—wait, is it? Really? Eww. Are they sure? The National Enquirer says it has the dirt on sweet ol’ Cindy McCain locking lips with some other Johnny who resembles “a washed-up ’80s rock musician.” Fact or fiction? Who knows, but the real question is: What’s this musician’s stance on the energy crisis?

Since when is Newsweek in the business of talking dirty? The mag wants to break the news on a nine-months-from-now baby boom. Reporter Jessica Bennett is taking a poll: Who went home on Nov. 4 and had a little celebratory sexytime fun? And who went home and made a beeline for the shower to wash the Republican stench out of her hair? (Only me? Yeah, that’s what I thought.)

Anyone in the market for a conceited genius? He’s sexy, beyond talented, and itchin’ for some babies, ladies! Kanye West, who split from his fiancée last April, told People magazine that he’s single and ready to mingle— it’s just a matter of finding a woman who can tolerate that colossal ego he carries around and see through all the fame (not to mention those damn blinds) he’s got goin’ on.

Man’s best friend does it again. A dog’s motherly instincts saved an abandoned baby boy from death in Argentina. The dog heard the cries of the child and promptly called dibbs. What’s species got to do with it?

Can Moyo please pass the mojo? For the first time since 1980, Zimbabwe’s chief opposition party, the Movement for Democratic Change, holds a majority in Parliament. This historic twist was brought about by the election of Lovemore Moyo to the position of speaker of Parliament. (It’s all in the name, baby.)

The government of Pakistan has had it up to HERE with the Taliban. The Pakistani government banned the Islamic militant group today due to an upsurge in terrorist activity and the Taliban’s admitted responsibility for the recent suicide bombings that occurred in a military arms factory. These bombings resulted in 67 deaths.

India to residents: You’ve been very, very naughty. In response to protests planned for today, Indian officials declared a 24-hour curfew in Kashmir. Many residents of the Muslim-majority territory are opposed to India’s rule and wish to align with Pakistan instead—so India pretty much told everyone to go pout in their rooms until further notice.

Madge is back: While the Dems were getting in gear to gather ’round and speech it up in Denver, Madonna took the stage (in a top hat, no less) to kick off her own party in Wales this weekend. The singer’s Sweet and Sticky tour is now underway and doesn’t seem to disappoint — if crotch shots and wedgies are your thing.
Speaking of wedgies . . . thank you, Olivia Newton John, for inspiring this.

Bring on the crazy: As if there aren’t enough egos in the American Idol peanut gallery, songwriter Kara Dioguardi is taking a seat at the judging table. You know what this means: Paula will have to step up her crazy game in order to compete for attention. Pass the popcorn, people.

I will admit to being one of the 17.8 million Americans who tuned in last week to the Fox love-fest that was “Idol Gives Back.” I will even agree with much of the hype surrounding the show; it did accomplish its mission of awareness and inspiration. Having spent time living in Africa, I have a soft spot in my heart for the issues of AIDS and malaria and couldn’t be happier to see them addressing both on prime-time television. During an appearance in Los Angeles on Monday night, even noted economist Jeffrey Sachs was wowed at the potential impact of malaria’s five minutes of Idol airtime. The $60 million raised so far certainly doesn’t lie… “Idol Gives Back” is making a difference. But even given that success, as I watched Wednesday and Thursday nights, I couldn’t help but wonder: what image does this portray about our country?

Celebrity diplomacy is certainly nothing new for America or the world. Just as the British crown has made a habit of knighting the likes of Sean Connery and George Michael, formally or informally, America has been happy to send Brangelina or Cal Ripken, Jr. off to fight our global battles. But on Wednesday night, what started as a glorified telethon, mixing celebrity endorsements with performances and issue-oriented videos, turned political when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown appeared to pledge funding for 20 million new malaria bed-nets. Though the £100 million pledge may only represent 1/6,180th of the expected 2008-2009 British budget, it does demonstrate a genuine effort, portrayed to a global audience, to stop a serious problem. Ryan Seacrest marveled, the press swooned and with 17.8 million Americans and Simon Cowell looking on, just one week before Brown travels to the U.S., British public diplomacy ruled the night.

What did America have to offer in return? Two-times the Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana? Ben Stiller’s deadpan? Maybe Robin Williams playing Russian Idol Ivan Yakinoff (yes, say it slowly) making Stalin jokes? Or Daughtry traveling to Uganda to make a music video and convincing village children to sing along? It certainly wasn’t the three remaining presidential candidates, who were cut from Wednesday’s show because of time. And even when they did appear on Thursday two shied away from policy statements, instead relying on the same old, tired and uninspiring mantras of charitable will and the ability to bring change. The third, John McCain, saw it as an opportunity to throw in a snarky, political dig at his once and future Democratic opponents. Funny, I wasn’t aware poverty, disease, education and hunger were partisan issues.

In the end, entertainment ruled. You can’t blame Fox, we know they’re in it for the ratings. So instead blame those who participated for not taking the event to a higher ground. Blame the audience for not demanding it. Or maybe stop the blame and concede the fact that in order to get nearly 18 million viewers (albeit 10 million less than last year) and to raise $60 million in America, you have to appeal to a lower common denominator.

So therein lies the rub of celebrity diplomacy. Short-term successes may not lead to long-term triumphs. Growing awareness might not lead to sustained commitment. But isn’t something always better than nothing? One can only hope that for “Idol Gives Back” and its donors, that “something” is more than just two nights of publicity-stained pseudo-activism.

Afterall, even though it’s called American Idol, the entire world is watching.

More on the ATT&T and Rock the Vote partnership we reported on a couple weeks ago… Here’s a video on the collaboration as it was announced in the weeks before the Iowa caucus. The idea is to get young people to text each other about politics and thus motivate each other to express their views, inform the campaigns, register to vote and get to the polls. In what we’re not sure is horrifically depressing or comically real or both are the insights on the plan offered by ATT&T Marketing Director Rich Robbins, who at about the 1:17 mark above starts in all about how ATT&T has partnered with American Idol for years, “helping America choose the next pop star.” According to him, that’s right, this plan will similarly help Americans choose the next U.S. president. Egad. World, this is how it works now! Welcome to the future.

Question: Are people actually using the plan? Is it getting New Hampshirites to the polls today?