Angelina Jolie

The Week in Gossip: We Should Be Ashamed of Ourselves

Friday, January 30th, 2009

waving

Can’t we all just leave Jessica Simpson alone? Lady Lovely Locks strutted her country stuff on a stage in Florida last weekend and the crowd went wild—with whispers. Shhhh! (Is she, could she, no way … a whole size two?) The blogosphere followed up with fat jokes a plenty. People, give the girl a break. I personally appreciate the fact that Jessica stopped starving herself and started eating a few egg whites every other day. And I’m not alone: Kim Kardashian agrees. Lil’ sis Ashlee does too. So what’s our penance for being hypercritical a-holes? Look in the mirror. That’ll do.

Speaking of food, what the hell is Bruce Springsteen thinking with this Supermarket Sweep song on his new album? It’s supposed to be an ode to the lady at the checkout counter, which is sweet and all, but sorry dude—the song belongs on clearance. And the vid on YouTube is past its expiration date. Even the dumpster divers are keeping their distance. Pee-yew!

POP QUIZ! Gerber baby x 2 + superstah mom and pop – one Billy Bob + four other rugrats = The Hottie Bunch.

It’s good to know that Amy Fisher really cleaned herself up in prison. Girlfriend is now a momma of three and a porn star to boot. Hooray! (And, for the record, if you shoot someone’s wife in the head with a semiautomatic pistol, you can’t simply refer to it as “something stupid” you did in high school. Sneaking out of your bedroom after curfew to go meet your friends at Taco Bell for a 99 cent bean burrito and then getting caught  is “something stupid” you did in high school. But I must say, that bean burrito was worth it.)

The hat with nine lives. It just won’t die! Aretha Franklin got criticized for wearing a bow-rific hat to Obama’s inauguration ceremony. But hey, the hat is here to stay. Like it or not. It keeps popping up. On Facebook. On blogs. On YouTube (see below). And the bow just gets bigger every time. Love it, love it!

 

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Word on the street is that 21-year-old Evan Rachel Wood is getting cozy with, of all things, Mickey Rourke, who is 56 going on mummification. Boyfriend nearly drugged and drank himself to the grave years ago, but has made a “comeback” and is racking up the award nominations (and wins) for his role in The Wrestler. The man may have cleaned himself up (kinda), which is sexy and admirable in some circles, but the fact that he plays Wood’s father in the film makes this relationship borderline incestuous. Call me crazy. Or don’t.

Look y’all! Winehouse made a friend! And they’re playing strip Scrabble! And Winehouse is obviously at a loss for words, cuz, uh … hmm. She’s pathetically losing. Shouldn’t the game be over by now?

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The Week in Gossip: Operation Winehouse

Friday, January 16th, 2009

They tried to make me go to a health spa, and I just crawled, crawled, crawled…Amy Winehouse, who is supposed to be detoxing at the Le Sport Spa in the Caribbean, is keeping a low profile—so to speak. Winehouse is so hard-up for a drink that she’s getting on all fours, crawling up to tables, and stealing drinks from other guests—which leads me to our quote of the week: A source at the resort told The Sun that they keep catching Winehouse “crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut.”

Question: Who packs an empty (but very real) grenade into his carry-on luggage? Answer: Johnny Jackass. LAX security officers noticed a suspicious-looking explosive in Johnny Knoxville’s bag yesterday and pulled him aside for investigation. No explosives were in tow, but a legit grenade was definitely on board. Ha. Ha. Ha. Knoxville was given a citation and promptly released to go make his flight. Special treatment much? [UPDATE: Knoxville says a wardrobe assistant had put the prop in his suitcase.]

Wanna see Ryan Seacrest get the cold shoulder from Brangelina at the Golden Globes? Pop some popcorn. This is good! (And in less important news: Kate Winslet was a big winner, taking home two globes. Slumdog Millionaire went all Michael Phelps on us too, with four globes. “30 Rock” kicked ass, as usual. And then there was Mickey Rourke.) For more serious coverage of the Globes, click here.

Who’s itching for a little more attention before the cool kid comes to town? I’ll give you one guess.

Spears and Poehler and Duff, Oh My! Sarah Jessica Parker reportedly wants Brit-Brit to partake in the Sex and the City movie sequel. Perhaps we should remind SJP that Brit’s last trip to the box office was for a little whoop-dee-doo called “Crossroads,” which proved to be a total flop. In small screen news, Amy Poehler will star in a new “Office”-inspired sitcom on NBC. The sitcom will follow the ins-and-outs of small-town government bureaucrats. Hmm. Finding humor in the incompetence of our government officials and administrators? Sounds more like the “Twilight Zone” to me! And here’s the real kicker: Hillary Duff will star in a new legal sitcom on NBC. Yes, that’s right—a legal sitcom. Duff will play a young lawyer in a Doogie Howser-ish sort of role. The name of the series? “Barely Legal.” And no, it’s not a porno.

TOP GUN OF THE WEEK: Chelsey B. “Sully” Sullenberger III, the “Hero of the Hudson.” Can I get a “W00t! W00t!” for the pilot who kept calm and kicked ass when his plane lost both of its go-go-gadget engines yesterday? Sully’s four decades of experience saved 155 lives, including that of an infant’s, when he managed to execute an impromptu landing in the Hudson River.  Bad. Ass.

And finally — Beyoncé, is that YOU? . . .

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The Week in Gossip: Is Barack Buying a Thank You Rock?

Friday, December 5th, 2008

What do you get the First Lady-elect who has everything? (And by “everything,” I mean one helluvah husband!) Try a diamond-encrusted black gold ring worth nearly $30,000. A spokesman for the designer of the ring says Obama was considering the finger candy as a thank-you-for-not-divorcing-me-during-these-last-two-years-in-hell gift for Michelle. But a rep. for Obama denies the claim. Hey, who needs a big ring when you got a big . . . smile?

Speaking of our President-elect, have you heard the latest scandal? It’s been dubbed Zunegate. Obama, who claims to be an über-cool iPod user, was seen working out at the gym with a . . . a . . . a Zune! The horror! The hypocrisy is just too much! Much too much!

Who’s numero uno on The Hollywood Reporter’s list of the most powerful women in Hollywood? If I have to tell you, then just forget it. Grab your indie music and your hoodie, and go crawl back under the rock you’ve been camping out under for the past two decades.

Finally! An arrest for the murder of J.Hud.’s family. The brother-in-law who has been in question all along, William Balfour, was arrested Monday on first-degree murder charges. It’s now been well over a month since Jennifer Hudson’s mother, brother and nephew were discovered dead. Balfour, who’s had his fair share of time behind bars for attempted murder and a car hijacking, was initially taken into custody after the bodies were found and has since remained a “person of interest.” He and Hudson’s sister were separated and at odds at the time of the murders.

Proud Mary keep on burnin‘! Check out 69-year-old Tina Turner rollin’-rollin’-rollin’ out the He-Man at Madison Square Garden on Monday night. One thing’s for sure, girlfriend’s still got some smokin’ sexy legs.

Who wants to be emancipated from her has-been, needs a haircut (and his own life) daddy? Little ol’ Miley Cyrus seems to be getting the itch that most too-famous-for-their-teenage-britches superstars get when they realize just how rich they are—she wants full control of her career, finances and love life. No parental guidance allowed. Hey, what’s wrong with wanting to be your own 16-year-old woman dammit?!

No wonder their marriage is SOSing. The best meal Angelina’s ever cooked for her handsome hubby is cereal, says Brad. To which I say—damn straight! With 25 kids running around the house, a bowl of Fruit Loops is f*cking fabulous, you hear?

So what are all the celebs giving each other this holiday season? Take a wild guess.


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Daily News Roundup: Obama’s Leaky Transition Team

Friday, November 21st, 2008

Obama’s cabinet picks continue to be leaked. Hill’s almost certain as Secretary of State, and now, rumors are floating that New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson —after being rumored to be in conention for Sec. of State—is being tapped for Commerce Secretary. Meanwhile, Arizona Governor, Janet Napolitano is being tapped for Homeland Security.

Just as we were beginning to breathe a bit more easily…We hear that the stock market’s falling again, the credit crisis worsening and the recession set to become a likely mainstay in our lives for a longer, more difficult period of time than most had expected…

But there’s a silver…er gold…er whatever color it is…lining in gas prices we’ve witnessed finally come down slightly from their frightening heights in the $4 range to a more approachable $2.

Iraq remains a hotbed of chaos and discontent as today’s uproar centers around a George Bush effigy, located where Saddam Hussein’s statue once did, a thousands-strong crowd burned to protest the more than likely continuation of an American presence in the country until 2011.

Political junkies still hankering for an election fix can count their lucky stars for the Minnesota recount. Norm Coleman’s lead has been whittled down to less than 100 over Al Franken. However, there are still 800-plus challenged ballots, and more than 49% of precincts to be counted. Sure to be a nail-biter.

Angelina doesn’t simply have Brad whipped, she’s got the media under her thumb, too. Lara Croft’s got news outlets and tabloids doing her bidding. A saavy auto-PR maven, she’s become the uber-star at regulating her image. Seems if mags like People want photos of her nestlings, they can’t simply pay up with cash (which ends up in charity), they have to write about the causes Ms. Jolie supports. While it’s admirable to use popularity for a good cause, but if this rumor’s true, then how else can the media—and journalistic standards—be manipulated toward an infotainment end?

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The Week in Gossip: What’s Berry, Berry Sexy?

Friday, October 10th, 2008

Esquire mag named its “sexiest woman alive” and the big, bad Halle Berry made the cut. No surprise there. And yes—I know, I know—the whole “sexiest woman” thing is a bit objectifying, but let’s keep in mind that Berry is over 40 and just had a baby. Her making the top of the list is progress, no?

“To the left, to the left”? More like—to the altar, to the altar. It’s official: Beyoncé and Jay-Z tied the knot last Saturday in a hush-hush ceremony. Only forty guests attended, but the couple didn’t skimp on the frills—70,000 white orchids were reportedly flown in from Thailand for the affair. Wait, what economic crisis?

Hugh Hef’s main squeeze (or one of them) called it quits this week. Holly Madison reported that she and Hef are no longer ooh-la-la. And it’s about damn time! According to the Playboy mogul, Holly wants to settle down and have kids and, uh, well, . . . Hef’s not up to the challenge. So to speak.

Quote of the Week: “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party. Sarah Palin can’t come to my show. It’s nothing personal.” Got any idea which music icon put the punch to the Palin during a concert this week?

(more…)

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