Obama to the rescue! Burning up in California? Well, President-Elect Obama’s got your back. Our boy’s campaign website is asking folks to help the victims of the southern California wildfires by volunteering their time or donating to the cause through his website. Finally! A president that gives a shite.

China finally decided to check itself. The Chinese government announced today that will implement some food safety standards and start regulating its dairy producers. At least four babies have died over the last three months, due to complications from ingesting milk products contaminated with an industrial chemical. This isn’t the first time China has promised to clean up its act, so let’s not hold our breath . . .

Flying private jets to ask for handouts? Here we go again. Top execs from the three big auto companies—Ford, Chevy, and GM—flew to Washington, D.C. on their fancy private jets to ask for fat taxpayer handouts for their struggling businesses. During their meeting, they also promised to streamline their operations to cut down costs—you know, like, instead of drinking sparkling water, they’ll now drink regular ol’ bottled water on board those private jets. It’s a tough concession, but somebody’s got to do it.

Canada officially wins the Miss Congeniality award. The Supreme Court of Canada ruled today that obese people are allowed to reserve two seats for the price of one on airlines. The one-person-one-fare policy is a significant win in the ongoing dispute over whether airlines should mandate individuals over a certain weight to purchase two seats when they fly. The airlines argue that patrons seated next to these folks are denied a certain degree of comfort and space on flights. My question is: What comfort? And what space? Unless we’re any one of the execs from the three big auto companies mentioned above (ahem, ahem) we get no comfort and space up in those jets.

Hey Mickey, you’re so old. You’re so old, you smell like mold. Hey Mickey! Everyone’s favorite animated mouser turned 80 years old this week. In honor of the occasion, I hear the animators are going to replace those fashionable red trunks with an even better look—a Disney-themed adult diaper. W00t! W00t!