A free hand job with the purchase of a handbag? More or less. In a new ad campaign, Madonna’s 50-year-old crotch has Louis Vuitton’s brand written all over it. Aren’t you just ”itching” to add a new couture bag to your collection already? I think that’s the subliminal message here. Either that, or it’s one of those “If you had to…” ultimatums. Buy Vuitton’s bag or bag Madge’s vag—”If you had to…” which would you choose?

George W. Douche: The Musical! As if NYC hasn’t had its fair share of terrorist activity, Will Ferrell is now threatening to bring the antics of one George “Dubya” to Broadway. Ferrell was SNL’s Bush impersonator many moons ago and plans to revive his act on January 20 (which happens to be the National Day We Restore Literacy in the White House—mark your calendars!) at NY’s Cort Theater. The show will be called, “You’re Welcome America: A Final Night With George W. Bush.” Cute. But let’s make this a one night quickie, shall we? Because America is just not that into you, George W. Bush.

Speaking of quickies, POP QUIZ: What is Obama’s favorite meal? (Bush’s baked beans was my guess. But no.)

Quote of the week: “The only story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you . . . but that’s not true . . . Some people are just bad at taking drugs.” Which U.K. import (and no, not that one) made the above statement in an interview with Word magazine? And then went on to diss Christianity and her record label (for good measure)?

Flight of the Washboards Alert! Umm . . . yumm. I’m giving everyone the opportunity to check out the latest cover of Time Out New York mag because with these mugs front and center, this week’s magazine will have an abs-olutely short shelf life on newsstands. You know what they say about funny men with seriously hot bods, don’t you? Trick question! They don’t say anything because they don’t exist. (To read Time Out’s full interview with our funny Kiwi friends, click here.)

Roll Call! Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn had twins! on December 28, one of whom was named Dolly. If you think that’s a cruel name, try Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. That’s what Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet (”The Cosby Show”) are calling their new baby. And, let’s not forget, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner had another girl this past Tuesday. Her name is currently undisclosed, but may I suggest Hakuna-Matata Dr. Robota con Salsa y Spicy Jalapeno Sauce?

And the dearly departed . . . John Travolta and Kelly Preston lost their son Jett, 16, after he had a seizure in the Bahamas on January 2. The boy had a history of seizures, but the family failed to seek medical attention for the ongoing condition. Critics are wondering if their involvement in the Church of Scientology played a role in this decision. Tom Cruise adamantly defended the church during an appearance on The View yesterday. (Shocker!) And no couches were harmed during the taping of the show. (Double shocker!)

Oh, and guess whose fancy feline died this week? Hint: The answer fits in neatly with the theme of this post. Yes, I’m beating around the BUSH! BUSH! BUSH! So go ahead and take a guess.