The little preacher who poked around with Sideshow Bob back in the day says he no longer has those pesky, God-forsaken homoerotic urges that led to his demise in November of 2006—he’s worked through them.

Ted Haggard recently told Larry King that he considers himself to be “heterosexual with issues.” How. Convenient. Forget the gay sex. Forget Mike Jones, the male prostitute who first went public with Haggard’s hypocrisy. Forget Grant Hass, the 20-year-old male who now says that Haggard masturbated in front of him two years ago. Forget the fact that Haggard confirms all of these allegations. Forget it all.

Haggard is back to announce that he’s fundamentally heterosexual, y’all—just the way God likes us: normal, with a few “issues” to boot. Amen.

Actually, Haggard is hitting up the media circuit to promote “The Trials of Ted Haggard,” a documentary by Alexandra Pelosi (daughter of Nancy Pelosi) that debuted on HBO late last month. If you missed it, no worries. HBO will give it plenty of face time throughout the month of February. See the trailer below:

The film follows the months when Haggard, his wife, and children were banished from the state of Colorado and sent into “exile” in Arizona, where they either bummed a place to live from “nice strangers” or holed up in a cheapy motel.

We see Haggard repeatedly try to find a new job—to no avail, as his tainted reputation always gets the final say. So the man who once headed up a church of 14,000 congregants ends up working as a door-to-door health insurance salesman. And he’s not exactly making any money while he’s at it.

“I’m a loser, a first-class loser,” Haggard admits.

He’s been aware of his homosexual urges since high school, he says. When asked why he kept it a secret for so long, he says, “I feared my friends would reject me, abandon me, kick me out, and that the church would exile and excommunicate me—and that’s exactly what happened.”

At one point, Haggard talks to the camera while driving and sucking on—of all things—a long, flavored Popsicle. And out of the other side of his mouth he later claims that he’s no longer at risk for gay play. (Who’s he fooling?)

Haggard participated in a portion of the “restoration” process arranged for him by the New Life Church after the Mike Jones scandal broke and has continued therapy. He claims that the therapy has helped him work past the compulsions that made him dial up male escorts for sex. He admits, however, that he’s not fully restored—hence, those “issues”—but he’s fully happy with the relationship he shares with Gayle, his wife of 30 years.

When asked what he would be, if he had to choose between being gay and being evangelical—Lord knows you can’t be both!—Haggard answers, “Well, I am what I am. I am an Evangelical.” Of course.

Peek-a-boo! We see you, Ted Haggard.

But Haggard won’t come out—not without his bible at his side. His Bible is his weapon and he knows he can’t win any holy war without it. Problem is: The Bible condemns gay sex. So the only way to escape being the “loser” he is today is to cling to God’s truth, and deny, deny, deny his own.

Haggard may regain some popularity with his fellow churchgoers this way, but his strategy is ultimately flawed. Falling in line with unjust church propaganda is no different from falling to one’s knees in defeat. And a denial of one’s sexuality results in a loss of self, so—Mr. Hetero has weaseled himself into a lose-lose situation.

“I’m a loser, a first-class loser,” he says.

Well, at this rate, Haggard may be onto something.

“The Trials of Ted Haggard” shows repeatedly throughout February.