The little preacher who poked around with Sideshow Bob back in the day says he no longer has those pesky, God-forsaken homoerotic urges that led to his demise in November of 2006—he’s worked through them.

Ted Haggard recently told Larry King that he considers himself to be “heterosexual with issues.” How. Convenient. Forget the gay sex. Forget Mike Jones, the male prostitute who first went public with Haggard’s hypocrisy. Forget Grant Hass, the 20-year-old male who now says that Haggard masturbated in front of him two years ago. Forget the fact that Haggard confirms all of these allegations. Forget it all.

Haggard is back to announce that he’s fundamentally heterosexual, y’all—just the way God likes us: normal, with a few “issues” to boot. Amen.

Actually, Haggard is hitting up the media circuit to promote “The Trials of Ted Haggard,” a documentary by Alexandra Pelosi (daughter of Nancy Pelosi) that debuted on HBO late last month. If you missed it, no worries. HBO will give it plenty of face time throughout the month of February. See the trailer below:

The film follows the months when Haggard, his wife, and children were banished from the state of Colorado and sent into “exile” in Arizona, where they either bummed a place to live from “nice strangers” or holed up in a cheapy motel.

We see Haggard repeatedly try to find a new job—to no avail, as his tainted reputation always gets the final say. So the man who once headed up a church of 14,000 congregants ends up working as a door-to-door health insurance salesman. And he’s not exactly making any money while he’s at it.

“I’m a loser, a first-class loser,” Haggard admits.

He’s been aware of his homosexual urges since high school, he says. When asked why he kept it a secret for so long, he says, “I feared my friends would reject me, abandon me, kick me out, and that the church would exile and excommunicate me—and that’s exactly what happened.”

At one point, Haggard talks to the camera while driving and sucking on—of all things—a long, flavored Popsicle. And out of the other side of his mouth he later claims that he’s no longer at risk for gay play. (Who’s he fooling?)

Haggard participated in a portion of the “restoration” process arranged for him by the New Life Church after the Mike Jones scandal broke and has continued therapy. He claims that the therapy has helped him work past the compulsions that made him dial up male escorts for sex. He admits, however, that he’s not fully restored—hence, those “issues”—but he’s fully happy with the relationship he shares with Gayle, his wife of 30 years.

When asked what he would be, if he had to choose between being gay and being evangelical—Lord knows you can’t be both!—Haggard answers, “Well, I am what I am. I am an Evangelical.” Of course.

Peek-a-boo! We see you, Ted Haggard.

But Haggard won’t come out—not without his bible at his side. His Bible is his weapon and he knows he can’t win any holy war without it. Problem is: The Bible condemns gay sex. So the only way to escape being the “loser” he is today is to cling to God’s truth, and deny, deny, deny his own.

Haggard may regain some popularity with his fellow churchgoers this way, but his strategy is ultimately flawed. Falling in line with unjust church propaganda is no different from falling to one’s knees in defeat. And a denial of one’s sexuality results in a loss of self, so—Mr. Hetero has weaseled himself into a lose-lose situation.

“I’m a loser, a first-class loser,” he says.

Well, at this rate, Haggard may be onto something.

“The Trials of Ted Haggard” shows repeatedly throughout February.

The Connecticut Supreme Court’s 4-3 decision Friday to legalize same-sex marriage reinserts a topic that brought conservatives to the polls in 2004 back into the political spotlight. The news from the Connecticut court comes on the heels of new polls that show support for California’s ballot measure to oppose same-sex marriage is growing.

The presidential campaign has been focused almost exclusively on the economy over the past month. How will the marriage issue play out come November 4?

In Friday’s marriage ruling, the court overturned a lower court’s decision that civil unions provided the same benefits and rights as marriage. Connecticut joins California and Massachusetts as states that allow same-sex marriage.

But gay Californians may not be allowed to marry much longer. Proposition 8, which if passed would amend the California Constitution to only allow marriage between a man and a woman, is the highest profile ballot initiative in California this election season. The opposing sides have raised more than $41 million total, more than all previous marriage initiatives combined. Prop 8 proponents have approximately $10 million more to spend, and a new television advertising campaign appears to be working. In the most recent poll released by SurveyUSA, 47 percent of respondents supported the measure, while 42 percent opposed it. The previous poll, conducted before the advertising campaign began, showed 49 percent of those surveyed planned to oppose the measure, with 44 percent supporting it.

In the 2004 presidential election, 11 states had constitutional amendments banning same-sex marriage on the ballot, and all 11 measures passed. Analysts agreed these measures brought more social conservatives to the polls, and provided support for George W. Bush to be re-elected. In swing states like Ohio, the marriage amendment most likely delivered the state for Bush.

Of course, no one is arguing Proposition 8 is going to turn California red. In fact, some Prop 8 opponents are concerned Barack Obama will draw more black voters to the polls, who may be more likely to support the proposition, because of blacks’ traditionally more conservative family values. A September New York Times article quoted the co-campaign manager for Yes on 8, who said black voters were among the group’s strongest supporters. A University of Chicago lesbian and gay studies fellow disputed that notion in a Los Angeles Times op-ed, observing that in 2004, all states but one that had a notable number of black voters had fewer black voting for the marriage amendments than whites.

If Friday’s Connecticut court decision is unlikely to energize people to oppose the marriage amendment in California, it might have an effect in a battleground state with the amendment on the ballot — Florida. A Florida statute already bans same-sex marriage, but Proposition 2 would amend the state constitution. A measure needs 60 percent of the vote to amend the constitution, and the most recent survey, conducted in early September, shows voters support the amendment by a margin of 55 to 41 percent.

Recent presidential polls have Barack Obama leading John McCain in Florida by a margin of 52 to 44 percent. A re-energized conservative base, thanks to the Connecticut court’s decision and the prospect passing Proposition 2, could turn a state comfortably in Obama’s hand back to McCain.

With the same-sex marriage decision in Connecticut only hours old, it’s too soon to tell how social conservatives will respond, and whether the court’s action will become a rallying cry. There’s no question, however, that the candidates participating in a campaign mostly devoid of social issues like same-sex marriage and abortion will have to address them before election day.

Meet Dube Egwuatu. He was shot three times with a pellet gun for wearing an Obama t-shirt in the streets of . . . London? We get it: Not everyone abroad is banging the Obama drum, but pulling a trigger isn’t exactly the best way to make one’s case.

Barack Obama was cool as a cucumber during Tuesday’s presidential debate. Some folks argue that Obama is showing a whole lotta presidential potential by coming off as the anti-McCain in the temper tantrum department, while others think he’s passing up opportunities to “connect” and get all weepy Meryl Streepy on us. (Did Biden’s tears last Thursday mean nothing to you people?)

Yummy Anderson Cooper names CNN’s Top 10 (Ordinary) Heroes of 2008. These are the peeps who should be making headlines on a daily basis for doing good in the world—as opposed to spreading negativity, rallying hate, and walking out the door with this hanging out.

Celebs say vote. Because the discussion and play of politics in the world isn’t persuasive enough, we youngsters apparently need more celebs to step forward, take our hands, and PSA us to the polls. (Filming a pro-vote vid is obvs the new night-on-the-town crotch shot in young Hollywood.)

An all-gay high school? That’s what Chicago’s school district is considering to target the gay, lesbian, and transgender crowd—a group that’s highly likely to drop out of school due to all them small-minded meanyboppers trolling the halls.

One of the bleaker moments during last night’s vice-presidential debate was when both Palin and Biden refused to support same-sex marriage. Biden tried to tiptoe around the issue by arguing that gay couples are entitled to the same constitutional benefits that hetero couples enjoy, but when it comes to legally redefining the institution of marriage to include gay couples, Biden locked arms with Palin, put his foot down, and said no.

Palin indicated during one of her mind-blowing sessions with Katie Couric that homosexuality is a “choice.” This, of course, is a highly controversial answer that refutes the testimony of homosexual men and women who claim they have no control over their sexual orientation. It also fails to acknowledge recent scientific advances that support the inherent nature of a homosexual lifestyle.

One such advance was made by Simon LeVay in the early ’90s. When comparing the brains of homosexual men with those of heterosexual women, LeVay made an interesting discovery.

The hypothalamus, which is in charge of the system that oversees the functions we don’t consciously control, is the same size in these two demographic groups. Normally, the male hypothalamus is larger in size than the female version.

Furthermore, a recent article in Time magazine reported that scientists at the Karolinska Institute studied brain scans and discovered another similarity in the size of the two halves of the brains found in homosexual men and hetero women—that is, the two halves were the same size for both groups. Heterosexual men normally have a larger right hemisphere than women, which wasn’t the case with homosexual men.

While researchers keep searching for “a gay gene,” Dr. Eric Vilain, a UCLA professor of genetics, admits that he doesn’t think there is one. So is the lifestyle simply a “choice,” as Palin would have us believe, or can Vilain say for sure that homosexuality is genetically influenced?

“There is [genetic] evidence. I can say that,” he said during a lecture for the LGBT crowd at USC on Thursday. “But it’s indirect evidence—not the smoking gun.”

So what does this all mean?

These advances mean different things to different people. To Palin, they probably don’t mean much at all. But to the folks at Thursday’s lecture, this scientific backing amounts to validation and a profound understanding of self. But will it ever amount to marriage?

That’s the question.