Second grade English teachers wince at texting shorthand’s butchering of the English language, but even the staunchest of linguistic purists recognize the convenience it offers. When it comes to Facebook status messages, however, there is no good excuse for such mangling of the English language.

“_________ is relaxes after a bout of house work.”

See, the default for a Facebook status message is “name is gerund something something.” Chris is walking his dog. Not too complicated. To call the rampant, blatant disregard of the most generic of all verbs irreverent would give these rogue grammarians much too much credit.

“_________ is has a big headache and playing hookie from school tonight.”

What these lazy bastards don’t realize is that by choosing not to double-click and hit delete before offering an inane description of their momentary state of being to the world, they are essentially defining themselves as their inane, momentary state of being.

“_________ is go see slumdog millionaire.”

So that’s what you are, eh? That is your essence, the fiber of your being? Danny Boyle is a great director, but I’ve never been so exuberant about his work as to tell someone “I am go watch Trainspotting!” Unless, of course, he was willing to give me five percent of net box office. (psst, ten percent will get you a forehead tattoo).

For the record, I am the guy that insists on spelling everything out and fully punctuating, whether I am on email, IM, my iPod touch, or my cell phone. That probably makes me more technologically OCD than it makes all of my friends inept when they don’t diagram their Facebook statuses before posting.

But just as the spell-checker has undone much of the meticulous work Dr. Huyler did in ninth grade honors English, this small, seemingly insignificant oversight by thousands on a daily basis serves to degrade our perception of each other as intelligent human beings.

Chris is why does cyberspace make him so grumpy.