The big buzz of the week was the inauguration of our 44th president—finally! We all know what the ticket holders-who-never-made-it-into-the-ceremony did all day long in D.C. and what the west coast peeps were up to, but what about the celebs? If any group was into making Barack Obama the next SuperPrez, it was the Hollywood gang. They YouTubed the sh*t out of themselves for his campaign, so what are they up to now that the job’s all done?
The Has-Beens rallied for the Will-Be. Ashford & Simpson, the duet that produced the catchy “Solid” (as a rock) ditty back in the ’80s revamped the song and sang it for Larry King. Their vocals were a little stale, but they got one thing right: “The future looks ha-ha-ha-hawt!” (They’re not laughing. They’re just bringing st-st-st-stuttering back, ye-ah!)
THE SUPER STAR WHO TYPES LIKE A DAMN SERIAL KILLER JUST WANTED THE HATERS OF THE WORLD TO LET HIM BE GREAT AND ACKNOWLEDGE HIS GREATNESS BY NIXING THE CRITICISM AND BUYING THE UN-PRETENTIOUS LOUIE VUITTON (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) SHOES HE HELPED DESIGN (PLUG!). PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE, HE BEGGED, JUST GIVE HIM A BREAK!!! AND DON’T BOTHER TELLING HIM HOW BADASS HE WAS WHILE PERFORMING FOR OBAMA THIS WEEK. HE LOOKED DAMN GOOD IN HIS SUIT. HE KNOWS THIS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!! PEACE OUT AND CAPS LOCK, B*TCHES!!!!!!!!!
Aretha Franklin went hat shopping, couldn’t find what she was looking for, and ended up throwing on this old thing, which kinda-sorta upstaged her performance on Tuesday. The hat already has its own Facebook fan club with over 18,000 members. Bow-yah! Move over Barack, methinks we inaugurated more than just you on Tuesday. America, make way for a new trend…
Guess who got their very own Jonas Brothers for being the most well-behaved first daughters of all time? (No, not the Bush twins. Obviously.) While Mom and Pop were making the rounds all over every dance floor in town on Tuesday, Malia and Sasha were watching High School Musical 3 with their gal pals and then embarking on a White House scavenger hunt that culminated with . . . the Jonas bros. So much for being “well-behaved.”
Speaking of the Bush twins, they got together and wrote a sweet note to the Obama girls, detailing the ins, outs, ups, and downs that come with being part of the American royal fam. Unlike their father, who also wrote a note to his successor, the Bush girls didn’t have to use “Hooked On Phonics” to get the task akomplished. Zing!
Ah, what a week. What a glorious, jam-packed, fulfilling, exciting week. Now it’s time to sit down, pat ourselves on the backs for a democratic job well done, and catch up on some much-needed shut eye while President Obama gets to work. Or…not.
