Brace yourself. Or better yet, pop a bottle—of Pepto. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag reportedly tied the knot in Mexico last week. And get this: They didn’t even call to prep the paparazzi beforehand. Those posers actually kept the ceremony a secret—probably to keep “the fans” from hurling spitballs at them during their oh so vomitous vows. You know what this means: The spawn of Speidi will soon be upon us. (Dah, dah, DAH!)

Speaking of celebrity offspring—soap please. Guess whose 3-year-old already has an f-ing potty mouth? (Don’t think too hard.)

And Little Miss Crazy’s long-awaited “comeback” album has been conveniently leaked onto the Internet for our listening pleasure—although dragging our nails across a chalkboard would be equally as soothing and a little less predictable—so give it play. The album will drop for reals this Tuesday. And yes, that’s a threat.

Speaking of music, the American Music Awards came and went last Sunday. Chris Brown, 19, stole the night and took home three awards, including artist of the year. His girly, Rihanna, didn’t go home empty-handed either. Power couple much? And it goes without saying that 5-year-old Taylor Swift kicked some adult tail too—what the hell are they putting in those Fruit Loops nowadays?

Just when you thought Kanye West was beside the point, he goes and wins an American Music Award and begins dressing Beyoncé. To. My. Horror.

If you recall, we were all about the sexy last week. We dished on how Hugh Jackman was named People mag’s Yum of the Year. The announcement came as a bit of a shocker (only because our boy Obama was ROBBED) and sources say it even left George Clooney in the cold. Apparently Clooney, who’s had his finger on the pulse of hott for two whole years, gave Jackman a 2 a.m. wake-up call to whine a little—hey, it’s tough being out-of-season sexy.

Who else is bitter? Nicole “I-once-married-Tom-Cruise-so-I-have-no-room-to-talk” Kidman thinks her new hubby, Keith Urban, was totally overlooked for the People mag sexiest title. (He is, after all, the Lady Lovely Locks of country music, y’all.)

Had your fill of sexy? Here’s a fun way to make some ugly. Enjoy.