Because the American public can’t possibly judge for itself, the major mags go out of their way every year to tell us who the sexiest man on the planet is. And no, it’s not a matter of opinion. It’s not a result of any Gallup polls or any real research into the amount of sex any of these contenders have—or could have. It’s a matter of simple fact. Certifiable, scientific fact . . . which is why every news source names a different winner:

Hugh Jackman has People mag wrapped around his little . . . (cue the Baywatch theme song.)

Robert Downey, Jr. is the naughty on Salon’s mind.

The folks over at GQ couldn’t make up their damn minds, so our boy Obama had to share the “Man of the Year” spotlight with the Lord of the Titanic, the World’s Most Accomplished Douche, and What’s His Name.

But if we’re talking seriously sexy, then we need to take a peek at the hottie who’s been hiding under Rihanna’s umbrella. We find her stranded on the side of the road in her new music vid and, out of nowhere, Handsome on a Harley arrives to save the day—cuz he can get any gal’s motor running. (Unless that gal happens to be one of these tweenyboppers who worship the ground David Archuletta crawls on. Oy.)

And then there’s Kanye, WHO TYPES LIKE A SERIAL KILLER, but still can’t get any play. For whatever reason.

I heard Madonna was even up for consideration—hey, with that kind of muscle, girlfriend can hold her own in a man’s world—but then she stepped out the front door looking like the Grinch who stole Charlie Brown’s pathetic twiggy Christmas tree, and quickly killed her shot at being Mr. Sexy:

So—the verdict? I don’t know who’s the sexiest of ‘em all, but I can tell you what’s not sexy: the name Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz gave their new baby. Stop and say it out loud five times as fast as possible. Ready, set, . . .

There are two versions of the ad, called “5 Friends,” one where featured celebrities like Jonah Hill, Kevin Connolly and others swear (posted above), and another with their profanity bleeped out. As my colleague Tara Graham astutely points out, the PSA is really just an excuse to watch famous people curse.

And apparently, that’s what drives viewership. At the time of this posting, the uncensored version of the PSA had almost three times as many views as the clean version, and those differences are likely to grow larger each day.

With just under 500,000 views on YouTube for the uncensored version in about 24 hours, it looks like Leo has a bonafide hit on his hands. The 5friendsvote channel was the second-most-viewed channel on YouTube Thursday, and “5 Friends Uncensored” was the third-most-favorited video.

Here’s the real question: Why? Why is it such a hit? The PSA seems to break all the rules of a successful Internet video. 

First of all, it’s too long. A 4:45-minute running time is an eternity to watch people standing in front of a white background. (Put aside for a moment that they’re trying to convince you to vote.) And the camera jumping and zooming around doesn’t make things any more interesting. The celebs even wait around for a minute, doing nothing, to give viewers a chance to write down a voter registration Web site.

Second, it’s not funny. Jonah Hill is funny. Sarah Silverman is funny. Ellen DeGeneres is funny. But they aren’t funny in this PSA. Hill dropping the random F-bomb doesn’t make me want to watch it again.

Third, it’s condescending as hell. Maybe it’s tough for a PSA to avoid being somewhat condescending, but it seems much worse when I hear celebrities telling me I should register. As if hearing something from a famous person somehow makes it more important. And the whole message delivery feels off, too. By telling me how I shouldn’t vote, they’re actually telling me I should vote – doesn’t that seem a little forced?

So what’s driving up the viewing numbers? Either people truly are forwarding this around to five friends, or the average YouTube user will watch anything with a celebrity in it (the more the better!). Celebrities who swear? That’s just magical.