R.I.P. Loki: Mickey Rourke’s fave pup died on Monday. Little Loki was 126 (dog) years old. The chihuahua, whom Rourke affectionately referred to as “the love of [his] life,” was no stranger to red carpets—his owner brought him here, there, everywhere, and even thanked him in a recent Golden Globe acceptance speech—and fashionable rags. The dog was better dressed than Rourke most of the time, but then again, who the hell isn’t?

Alright, who dunnit?: Pics of Rihanna’s beaten-up and swollen face paraded around the Internet this week—and LAPD is p*ssed. The police department has no idea who leaked the photos, but what’s done is done. And now that we know what a little sh*t Chris Brown is, we should throw him to the lions. That’s right, the president of L.A. Boxing, Anthony Geisler, has issued a public call for Brown to step into the ring to fight “a real opponent.” To that end, Geisler started an “I want to fight Chris Brown” Facebook forum. Let’s all wiggle our noses and cross our fingers that the little Brown piece of sh*t accepts the challenge. (Couple this with a stiff drink and—how awesome of a birthday present is that for Rihanna, who turned 21 on Friday?)

But the Lifetime Made-for-TV Movie only gets worse: Star mag reports that Rihanna still loves Brown, whom she dated for almost a year. The two are reportedly still in touch with each other, as Rihanna likes to check in to make sure Brown is doing OK. What the—ugh.

Pam Ham-derson took the girls for a walk. Everyone’s second favorite Baywatch beauty (second to this finger-lickin’, yum-yum piece of crass) shimmied down the runway in a gold-spangled onesie for the Richie Rich fashion show this week. Girlfriend got a lot of criticism from the press for looking like a cougar in heat, but I think she actually looks pretty damn good for a 42-year-old drag queen.

And guess what suit-sporting stud’s been named GQ’s most stylish man in America. Hint: He’ll be saying, “Bye, Bye, Bye” to Jessica Biel soon cuz my ring finger be getting a little cold up in here. Yessirre.

Tune in tonight to scope out all the red carpet Oscar fug—cuz, let’s be honest, who cares about the appropriately dressed? Bring on the nipple slips, hair icks, and straight up nasty! Speaking of nasty,  the economy is starving our fave celebs of all the hard-earned “schwag” they get (for free!) during this year’s awards season. (Now where else is a gal gonna get a $5,000 crapper to cough up those cookies? Or a $3,500 watch to plan for a “fashionably” late arrival?) Poor celebrities. I guess they’ll have to crack open their multi-million dollar piggy banks to buy their own overpriced junk this year. Boo. Hoo.

Puff! The Magic Olympian … An old pic of Mike Phelps getting a gold medal high surfaced and had everyone in a hissy this week. As of yesterday, USA Swimming suspended Phelps from partaking in any competitions and cut off all funding for the next three months. The cereal chumps over at Kellogg announced that they will not renew their sponsorship deal when Phelps’ contract expires at the end of February. If that ain’t enough, some punk sheriff is trying to charge the swim douche for breaking the law in his county. As for Phelps, well, he says he’s sorry, but what he really means is—he didn’t inhale. No sirree. The only “high” he knows is swimmer’s high. So get off his back.

All my Beyoncé haters—now put your hands UP! If y’all don’t remember, Beyoncé sang “At Last” for our new fuzzy wuzzy prezzy and his First Lady on the night of the inauguration. Well, the original sanger of the song—the venerable Etta James—has stepped forward to announce that she ain’t too happy with her tune getting hijacked by the newbie songstress. In fact, she’s p*ssed and says Beyoncé is “going to get her ass whooped.” Whoopee!

F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! Christian Bale has a one-f*cking-word vocabulary and I’m f*cking feelin’ it. Anyone want to f*cking dance? I f*cking thought so. F*ck!

Mickey Rourke must be a fan of Blue’s Clues. (No surprise there.) And who’s a fan of Mickey Rourke? This woman. …And it’s a sad, sad day in France.

Poor Miley Cyrus. If people aren’t calling her an underage skank, then they’re calling her a racist. Skanky? She can live with that. But why would anyone think she’s racist? I mean, she was just saying “cheese” and making a funny face. It’s not like she was photographed sucking on a bong or anything—I mean, that would be totally offensive.

Guess whose opportunistic booty might pose nude for Playboy. Don’t think too hard. Here’s a hint: She recently showed up for an important (nationally televised) audition wearing her highest stripper heels and some version of a bathing suit. And she smacked a big, wet one on in-the-closet Seacrest—and thought he actually liked it. So, who we got?

And 14 cheers (or jeers?) for the mom who gave birth to octuplets and already had six youngins under the age of 8 crawling around at home. Nadya Suleman is an insta-celeb because all eight of her babes made it through the delivery (rare!) and, despite being born nine weeks premature, are growing stronger every day. She also made headlines because she’s a single momma and lives at home with her parents—who filed for bankruptcy about a year and half ago. The media demand for Suleman is out of control (uh, TV show offers?), so she hired a PR agency to represent. The hot momma decided to give her first interview to “The Today Show”—of course—and portion of the interview aired today.

Can’t we all just leave Jessica Simpson alone? Lady Lovely Locks strutted her country stuff on a stage in Florida last weekend and the crowd went wild—with whispers. Shhhh! (Is she, could she, no way … a whole size two?) The blogosphere followed up with fat jokes a plenty. People, give the girl a break. I personally appreciate the fact that Jessica stopped starving herself and started eating a few egg whites every other day. And I’m not alone: Kim Kardashian agrees. Lil’ sis Ashlee does too. So what’s our penance for being hypercritical a-holes? Look in the mirror. That’ll do.

Speaking of food, what the hell is Bruce Springsteen thinking with this Supermarket Sweep song on his new album? It’s supposed to be an ode to the lady at the checkout counter, which is sweet and all, but sorry dude—the song belongs on clearance. And the vid on YouTube is past its expiration date. Even the dumpster divers are keeping their distance. Pee-yew!

POP QUIZ! Gerber baby x 2 + superstah mom and pop – one Billy Bob + four other rugrats = The Hottie Bunch.

It’s good to know that Amy Fisher really cleaned herself up in prison. Girlfriend is now a momma of three and a porn star to boot. Hooray! (And, for the record, if you shoot someone’s wife in the head with a semiautomatic pistol, you can’t simply refer to it as “something stupid” you did in high school. Sneaking out of your bedroom after curfew to go meet your friends at Taco Bell for a 99 cent bean burrito and then getting caught  is “something stupid” you did in high school. But I must say, that bean burrito was worth it.)

The hat with nine lives. It just won’t die! Aretha Franklin got criticized for wearing a bow-rific hat to Obama’s inauguration ceremony. But hey, the hat is here to stay. Like it or not. It keeps popping up. On Facebook. On blogs. On YouTube (see below). And the bow just gets bigger every time. Love it, love it!

 

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Word on the street is that 21-year-old Evan Rachel Wood is getting cozy with, of all things, Mickey Rourke, who is 56 going on mummification. Boyfriend nearly drugged and drank himself to the grave years ago, but has made a “comeback” and is racking up the award nominations (and wins) for his role in The Wrestler. The man may have cleaned himself up (kinda), which is sexy and admirable in some circles, but the fact that he plays Wood’s father in the film makes this relationship borderline incestuous. Call me crazy. Or don’t.

Look y’all! Winehouse made a friend! And they’re playing strip Scrabble! And Winehouse is obviously at a loss for words, cuz, uh … hmm. She’s pathetically losing. Shouldn’t the game be over by now?

They tried to make me go to a health spa, and I just crawled, crawled, crawled…Amy Winehouse, who is supposed to be detoxing at the Le Sport Spa in the Caribbean, is keeping a low profile—so to speak. Winehouse is so hard-up for a drink that she’s getting on all fours, crawling up to tables, and stealing drinks from other guests—which leads me to our quote of the week: A source at the resort told The Sun that they keep catching Winehouse “crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut.”

Question: Who packs an empty (but very real) grenade into his carry-on luggage? Answer: Johnny Jackass. LAX security officers noticed a suspicious-looking explosive in Johnny Knoxville’s bag yesterday and pulled him aside for investigation. No explosives were in tow, but a legit grenade was definitely on board. Ha. Ha. Ha. Knoxville was given a citation and promptly released to go make his flight. Special treatment much? [UPDATE: Knoxville says a wardrobe assistant had put the prop in his suitcase.]

Wanna see Ryan Seacrest get the cold shoulder from Brangelina at the Golden Globes? Pop some popcorn. This is good! (And in less important news: Kate Winslet was a big winner, taking home two globes. Slumdog Millionaire went all Michael Phelps on us too, with four globes. “30 Rock” kicked ass, as usual. And then there was Mickey Rourke.) For more serious coverage of the Globes, click here.

Who’s itching for a little more attention before the cool kid comes to town? I’ll give you one guess.

Spears and Poehler and Duff, Oh My! Sarah Jessica Parker reportedly wants Brit-Brit to partake in the Sex and the City movie sequel. Perhaps we should remind SJP that Brit’s last trip to the box office was for a little whoop-dee-doo called “Crossroads,” which proved to be a total flop. In small screen news, Amy Poehler will star in a new “Office”-inspired sitcom on NBC. The sitcom will follow the ins-and-outs of small-town government bureaucrats. Hmm. Finding humor in the incompetence of our government officials and administrators? Sounds more like the “Twilight Zone” to me! And here’s the real kicker: Hillary Duff will star in a new legal sitcom on NBC. Yes, that’s right—a legal sitcom. Duff will play a young lawyer in a Doogie Howser-ish sort of role. The name of the series? “Barely Legal.” And no, it’s not a porno.

TOP GUN OF THE WEEK: Chelsey B. “Sully” Sullenberger III, the “Hero of the Hudson.” Can I get a “W00t! W00t!” for the pilot who kept calm and kicked ass when his plane lost both of its go-go-gadget engines yesterday? Sully’s four decades of experience saved 155 lives, including that of an infant’s, when he managed to execute an impromptu landing in the Hudson River.  Bad. Ass.

And finally — Beyoncé, is that YOU? . . .

Michael Ramirez cartoon from Investor's Business Daily for Jan. 12, 2009

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict may seem old news, but it’s entering a new phase, argues Jonathan Schanzer, deputy executive director of the Jewish Policy Center. Mark Hemingway of National Review Online discusses Schanzer’s new book, Hamas vs. Fatah: The Struggle for Palestine, and relays Schanzer’s argument that the mainstream media have oversimplified the conflict by underestimating the internal divisions in Palestine. After all, Fatah and Hamas aren’t allies. Israel’s current struggle is with Gaza alone.

President George W. Bush held his final press conference yesterday morning. Fox News commentators and guests offer analysis.

And here Bush gets a little more personal with Fox’s Brit Hume. The president explains why he is so calm and content as he prepares to leave office, and tells Hume that he’s even planning to write a book that will explain and defend some of the most controversial decisions he made while in office.

Is it a new New Deal or not, and does it even matter? President-elect Barack Obama’s record-smashing stimulus plan will likely top $1 trillion when it’s finally approved. Jonah Goldberg writes over at NRO’s The Corner blog that only liberals are comparing this strategy with FDR’s New Deal and adds that conservatives feel the comparison is moot. But Pat Buchanan would apparently disagree. In an editorial for Investor’s Business Daily, Buchanan argues not only that Obama seems to be channeling Roosevelt, but that massive spending is more likely to get us into trouble than to bail us out of it. In a separate IBD editorial, Lawrence Kudlow sees a more conservative tinge to Obama’s plan, drawing a parallel to Reagan’s tax-cut plan. Big government, limited government, or something in between? Obama keeps us guessing.

Google searches are speeding climate change (but then, isn’t everybody?). A physicist is trying to publish his findings on the amount of energy consumed by Google’s data centers every time you try to run a search (the energy used boiling water for a cup of tea equals two searches). William Teach responds sarcastically at Right Wing News, suggesting that the global warming “Believers” log off and stop using the Internet. Teach writes that he did 15 Google searches after reading the article, just for fun.

Eco-warriors: stop procreating, humans hurt the planet. Feminists: stop procreating, it’s sexist. Cassy Fiano writes on her blog and on Right Wing News that the newest argument in favor of the extinction of mankind is that sexual reproduction is a sexist, culturally oppressive holdover from a less civilized time, more or less. She goes on to excoriate modern feminism as it drifts toward something like Stalinism. But hey, sex without reproduction would be really fun for about, say, one generation.

Always a rebel, Mickey Rourke’s Hollywood comeback doesn’t preclude careless comments—you know, supporting Bush. It’s unpopular in Hollywood to defend the outgoing president, writes Andrew Breitbart of Big Hollywood, but having just won the best actor Golden Globe award for his performance in The Wrestler, Rourke did just that. Bush was simply “in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Rourke said, and the situation after 9/11 would have been near impossible for any conceivable leader. Breitbart suggests that Rourke’s peer-slash-rival Sean Penn had a much inferior and less ballsy dalliance into politics when he publicly supported Fidel Castro’s regime, and writes that any “no friend of Sean Penn is a friend of mine.”