oprah

The Week in Gossip: Is Barack Buying a Thank You Rock?

Friday, December 5th, 2008

What do you get the First Lady-elect who has everything? (And by “everything,” I mean one helluvah husband!) Try a diamond-encrusted black gold ring worth nearly $30,000. A spokesman for the designer of the ring says Obama was considering the finger candy as a thank-you-for-not-divorcing-me-during-these-last-two-years-in-hell gift for Michelle. But a rep. for Obama denies the claim. Hey, who needs a big ring when you got a big . . . smile?

Speaking of our President-elect, have you heard the latest scandal? It’s been dubbed Zunegate. Obama, who claims to be an über-cool iPod user, was seen working out at the gym with a . . . a . . . a Zune! The horror! The hypocrisy is just too much! Much too much!

Who’s numero uno on The Hollywood Reporter’s list of the most powerful women in Hollywood? If I have to tell you, then just forget it. Grab your indie music and your hoodie, and go crawl back under the rock you’ve been camping out under for the past two decades.

Finally! An arrest for the murder of J.Hud.’s family. The brother-in-law who has been in question all along, William Balfour, was arrested Monday on first-degree murder charges. It’s now been well over a month since Jennifer Hudson’s mother, brother and nephew were discovered dead. Balfour, who’s had his fair share of time behind bars for attempted murder and a car hijacking, was initially taken into custody after the bodies were found and has since remained a “person of interest.” He and Hudson’s sister were separated and at odds at the time of the murders.

Proud Mary keep on burnin‘! Check out 69-year-old Tina Turner rollin’-rollin’-rollin’ out the He-Man at Madison Square Garden on Monday night. One thing’s for sure, girlfriend’s still got some smokin’ sexy legs.

Who wants to be emancipated from her has-been, needs a haircut (and his own life) daddy? Little ol’ Miley Cyrus seems to be getting the itch that most too-famous-for-their-teenage-britches superstars get when they realize just how rich they are—she wants full control of her career, finances and love life. No parental guidance allowed. Hey, what’s wrong with wanting to be your own 16-year-old woman dammit?!

No wonder their marriage is SOSing. The best meal Angelina’s ever cooked for her handsome hubby is cereal, says Brad. To which I say—damn straight! With 25 kids running around the house, a bowl of Fruit Loops is f*cking fabulous, you hear?

So what are all the celebs giving each other this holiday season? Take a wild guess.


The Week in Gossip: An “American Idol” Meltdown

Friday, November 14th, 2008

Paula’s biggest stalker commits suicide. A young woman, age 30, was found dead in a vehicle parked in front of Abdul’s house on Tuesday night. The woman, who unsuccessfully auditioned for season five of “American Idol,” called herself Paula Goodspeed and had been making life-sized drawings of Abdul since she was a kid. Her death appears to be a drug-induced suicide. Simon Scowl was his usual surly self (and then some) during Goodspeed’s audition. (Straight up, now tell me: What mature adult makes fun of the metal in someone’s mouth?) We can only wonder if “American Idol” will continue to air its pre-season contestant-bashing episodes anymore.

Now that we got a black president in the White House, what we need is . . . a black Wonder Woman? Beyoncé, err, Sasha Fierce, wants to star in a new “Wonder Woman” remake. And I want to change my name to Punky Brewster and go have a tea party with the purple Teletubby, but you don’t see me going public with that. Well. Until now.

It’s official: The world as we know it may come to an end in 2011.

Family-friendly entertainment? Not when Tracy Morgan’s in the house. If you missed his appearance on “The Today Show” this week, you missed the most inappropriate utterance ever aired on morning television. (And Kathie Lee Gifford, of all people, thinks “there’s a lot of truth” to his remarks. How the heck would she know? That woman has never stepped her stilettos in any ghetto. Please.)

Is that? No. It can’t be. That’s just—wait, is it? Really? Eww. Are they sure? The National Enquirer says it has the dirt on sweet ol’ Cindy McCain locking lips with some other Johnny who resembles “a washed-up ’80s rock musician.” Fact or fiction? Who knows, but the real question is: What’s this musician’s stance on the energy crisis?

Since when is Newsweek in the business of talking dirty? The mag wants to break the news on a nine-months-from-now baby boom. Reporter Jessica Bennett is taking a poll: Who went home on Nov. 4 and had a little celebratory sexytime fun? And who went home and made a beeline for the shower to wash the Republican stench out of her hair? (Only me? Yeah, that’s what I thought.)

Anyone in the market for a conceited genius? He’s sexy, beyond talented, and itchin’ for some babies, ladies! Kanye West, who split from his fiancée last April, told People magazine that he’s single and ready to mingle— it’s just a matter of finding a woman who can tolerate that colossal ego he carries around and see through all the fame (not to mention those damn blinds) he’s got goin’ on.


The Week in Gossip: Presidential Pup Fight

Friday, November 7th, 2008

When Obama let the cat out of the bag that he would follow through with his campaign promise to get the kiddies a new pup for the White House, all barking let loose. The Dog Whisperer weighed in, The New York Times had some suggestions, ABC News aired a search-for-the-First-Pup segment as part of its “election coverage,” and then—the pups themselves engaged in heavy duty campaign mudslinging and self-promotion. The week in gossip doesn’t get any juicier (or more catty) than this.

Oprah tells Brad Pitt who she thinks he should think he’s in love with. That’s right. The Queen Bee has spoken and she thinks Angelina Jolie is the love of Brad Pitt’s life. And Oprah is never wrong. (You know what this means, Jennifer Aniston—a lifetime of Johnny Douchebag for you!) Pitt reportedly told Oprah in an interview (set to air Nov. 18) that six kids ain’t enough. “It’s the greatest endeavor I’ve taken on,” he said, and went on to indicate that he’d like more. To which I say: STOP. THE. MADNESS. I believe the children are our future, but I also believe his kind of hotness needs to spend more time in front of a camera. Wearing the bare minimum. Am I wrong?

J.Hud says farewell. Funerals for Hudson’s deceased mother, brother and nephew were held at Chicago’s Apostolic Church on Monday. Oprah Winfrey, Queen Latifah, Clive Davis, “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino, and the mayor of Chicago were in attendance. It’s been two weeks since Hudson’s mother and brother were discovered dead and still no one has been charged. However, Hudson’s brother-in-law is still a “person of interest.”

Who is that on the cover of Vanity Fair? Your guess is as good as mine.

50 Cent + ol’ Bette Midler = For reals. Who would’ve thunk the two would ever share a headline, but here it is. Midler apparently hit up the rapper to collaborate with her on a community service project in Queens, New York. The project? A gangsta garden—w00t! w00t!

R.I.P. Sarah Palin, I mean Tina Fey, I mean . . . whoever the hell I mean. Or maybe I mean SNL. Fey announced that she’s retiring her Palin impersonation, which is a little hasty, if you ask me. With Palin stepping off of airliners in Alaska to crowds cheering “2012! 2012! 2012!”—methinks we’re gonna need something to laugh about come four years. Caribou Barbie’s candidacy is funny, but without Fey, it’s not that funny.

UCLA in the rain, superbowl sunday

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
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The head of Harpo wants change, America! Here’s the Big O at UCLA on Sunday: “I want to thank all of you who love football and all things football and love people who love football because I know what this means to be out here today… I know what you said to yourself, you said ‘That super bowl party has got to wait, it’s got to wait a minute because we got another kind party going on over there at UCLA…’ We have the chance California to go from Super bowl Sunday into Super Tuesday for Barack Obama. We can do that. … For the first time in our voting lives, we are moved to think about politics and the power of its possibility in a different way. Because when was the last time anyone in here was at a campaign rally? We are all energized. We are excited and we’re fired up— for the change that has already come. Obama has already shown us the change. I know you can feel it. You can feel the spirit. You can feel it already…”

Cue angry mob: truth police bust another memoirist

Friday, March 7th, 2008
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  Ishy Beah, child-soldier memoirist: “Don’t hurt me Oprah.”


“None of it happened, and yet every word of it is true.” —fiction writer Grace Paley

Get out your pitchforks and torches. Another memoirist might have fibbed. First we had James Frey and his A Million Little Pieces. Remember that high point in American literary history? Frey, a recovering alcoholic and crack addict, penned the “true story” of his harrowing, but ultimately triumphant trip through the seven circles of substance abuse hell. After the doyenne of redemption herself, Oprah Winfrey, had Frey on for several book club confessionals, the book sold like … well … like crack. People couldn’t get enough of it. Everyone read it, everyone cried, and everyone believed in the healing power of the human spirit. Then everyone found out Frey made some stuff up. And man, were they pissed. In one of the most excruciating examples of nationally televised sadomasochism, Winfrey publicly reamed Frey a new one for deceiving her and her viewers. Frey cried. Oprah cried. The book sold another million copies or so. Talk about redemption.

Now, the literary truth police are at it again. It seems Ishmael Beah, author of the bestseller A Long Way Gone, might have fudged a few facts in his memoir about being a child soldier during Sierra Leone’s civil war. A couple of Australian reporters started unpeeling the onion of Beah’s story and they say it smells. It all started when a man claimed to have found Beah’s father, which would have been a miracle since Beah writes that his parents were both killed. The person turned out to be Beah’s cousin. But that didn’t stop the investigation. One enterprising scribe ventured to Sierra Leone itself for some due diligence and, lo and behold, a lot of people there told him Beah couldn’t have spent two years as a soldier, as his book claims. At most, it was probably a few months. Beah vehemently defends the veracity of his work. He even asserts a kind of memoirist infallibility: a photographic memory. “Sad to say,” he wrote in a statement quoted by Slate, “my story is all true.”

His old writing teacher at Oberlin, quoted in the same Slate piece, hedges a bit and speaks vaguely of “poetic license.” It turns out that Beah originally planned to write about his life in Sierra Leone in a fictionalized account, a good old fashioned roman-a-clef. Frey started out with the same vision for Million Little Pieces. In fact, he shopped it to numerous publishers as a novel and got nowhere. Then he started claiming that every word of it was true and suddenly, he had a nice, fat contract. That’s where the real story lies in both of these cases. If you want to blame someone, America, blame the publishing industry.

The reason both these authors originally wanted to write novels was so they could tweak details of the narrative, magnify certain elements and yes, even LIE to get at the most important part of any work of art: a deeper, more crucial emotional truth. But novels just don’t make much money. And novelists themselves are often cantankerous or at least cagey when it comes to discussing their work. When people pestered William Faulkner to explain what a certain passage or chapter meant, he would simply tell them to “read it again.” DH Lawrence explicitly warned people not to trust what writers say. “Never trust the teller,” he said. “Trust the tale.” That kind of evasiveness makes for bland marketing and really dull talk shows. You can’t sell a novelist as well as you can sell an in-the-flesh success story, a living, breathing – and writing! – Horatio Alger character.

But profit-hungry publishers aren’t the only reason for these truth scandals. They’re also about misplaced social aggression. We live in a world of endless bullshit. An age where the President of the United States can stand up and utter blatant canards like, “We don’t torture” and get away with it. So it’s not surprising to see Puritanical witch-hunts over truth and veracity flare up in other sectors of the culture. It’s the basic law of fetishism. You invest an object or condition with irrational significance because something else is out of your reach or beyond your powers. We can’t change the President or the mass media pond scum that aid and abet his slippery distortions. But we can flog a few prevaricating writers. And it feels so good to do it!

The Oprah book club hordes swoon and gnash their teeth because they’ve been deceived somehow. That seething rage at being lied to by the powerful is fast becoming a very American condition. A sort of socio-cultural rabies that causes many of us to foam at the mouth and bite the closest liar we can find. But consider this: if the allegations against him are true and Beah only spent a couple months as a child soldier instead of two years, does that really affect the emotional underpinnings of the story? Does it somehow make the war in Sierra Leone any less brutal or his portrayal of it any less heartbreaking? Or, in Frey’s case, do his embellishments diminish or negate the horror of addiction? Of course not. But these scandals aren’t really about accuracy in literature (whatever the hell that even means). They’re about payback. Someone has to give a pound of flesh for our wider civic and political impotence. And, as usual, artists make easy targets.

Watch out, Mr. Beah. That sound you hear? It’s the villagers banging on the castle door. You might want to call Oprah. It’ll hurt when she brings the cat o’ nine tails down. But in the end, you’ll be cleansed. And you’ll probably sell more books. After all, we’re all suckers for a good story of redemption: the hero errs, the hero repents and we all live happily ever after.

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JB Powell is a contributing writer and the author of The Republic: A Novel.