Because the American public can’t possibly judge for itself, the major mags go out of their way every year to tell us who the sexiest man on the planet is. And no, it’s not a matter of opinion. It’s not a result of any Gallup polls or any real research into the amount of sex any of these contenders have—or could have. It’s a matter of simple fact. Certifiable, scientific fact . . . which is why every news source names a different winner:

Hugh Jackman has People mag wrapped around his little . . . (cue the Baywatch theme song.)

Robert Downey, Jr. is the naughty on Salon’s mind.

The folks over at GQ couldn’t make up their damn minds, so our boy Obama had to share the “Man of the Year” spotlight with the Lord of the Titanic, the World’s Most Accomplished Douche, and What’s His Name.

But if we’re talking seriously sexy, then we need to take a peek at the hottie who’s been hiding under Rihanna’s umbrella. We find her stranded on the side of the road in her new music vid and, out of nowhere, Handsome on a Harley arrives to save the day—cuz he can get any gal’s motor running. (Unless that gal happens to be one of these tweenyboppers who worship the ground David Archuletta crawls on. Oy.)

And then there’s Kanye, WHO TYPES LIKE A SERIAL KILLER, but still can’t get any play. For whatever reason.

I heard Madonna was even up for consideration—hey, with that kind of muscle, girlfriend can hold her own in a man’s world—but then she stepped out the front door looking like the Grinch who stole Charlie Brown’s pathetic twiggy Christmas tree, and quickly killed her shot at being Mr. Sexy:

So—the verdict? I don’t know who’s the sexiest of ‘em all, but I can tell you what’s not sexy: the name Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz gave their new baby. Stop and say it out loud five times as fast as possible. Ready, set, . . .