Who says you need blood dripping down your face and Palin’s spectacles bridging your nose to be scary this Halloween? Instead, you could easily be the next contestant on The Price Is Right, which is kind of a half-arse costume, but the economy is doing enough scaring for all of us these days. No ghosts, goblins, or vampires needed this year. (Oh, and the TPIR costume is a cheaper alternative to pulling off Palin’s wardrobe anyway. Mmm-hmm.)

Financial crisis got you down? Go shopping! Or, stay home and keep your head under the blankets. Consumers predict a Category Five credit card crisis is gaining momentum and will probably hit the country right about, uh, now.

Guess who’s NOT feeling the pinch at the pump? Exxon-f*cking-Mobil, that’s who. The oil company reported its biggest quarterly profit evah, earning just under $15 billion. No. Joke.

Did you see him? Did you see him? Did you see him? Obama bought his way onto five major television networks last night to give the American public thirty more minutes in his charismatic company—that is, before he’s elected president, cozies into the Oval Office, and we get sick of him. I kid, I kid. (Click here to see the infomercial chopped into four itty-bitty-YouTube-bits.)

Racists for Obama! Get this: There’s a home in Indiana with a Confederate flag raised high in the sky and an Obama sign planted deep in the grass. This could be irony at play here, but—for whatever reason—I think these people mean exactly what they mean, which is . . . who the heck knows, but I consider this two steps forward, one step back, so we’re in the green. No?

India hit hard by synchronized bombs. Four bombs targeted busy marketplaces and government buildings in the northeastern state of Assam today, killing 67 and wounding 210 peeps. National elections are approaching in India and internal violence is worsening with every passing day. Some fear this attack was a taste of more to come.