Paula’s biggest stalker commits suicide. A young woman, age 30, was found dead in a vehicle parked in front of Abdul’s house on Tuesday night. The woman, who unsuccessfully auditioned for season five of “American Idol,” called herself Paula Goodspeed and had been making life-sized drawings of Abdul since she was a kid. Her death appears to be a drug-induced suicide. Simon Scowl was his usual surly self (and then some) during Goodspeed’s audition. (Straight up, now tell me: What mature adult makes fun of the metal in someone’s mouth?) We can only wonder if “American Idol” will continue to air its pre-season contestant-bashing episodes anymore.

Now that we got a black president in the White House, what we need is . . . a black Wonder Woman? Beyoncé, err, Sasha Fierce, wants to star in a new “Wonder Woman” remake. And I want to change my name to Punky Brewster and go have a tea party with the purple Teletubby, but you don’t see me going public with that. Well. Until now.

It’s official: The world as we know it may come to an end in 2011.

Family-friendly entertainment? Not when Tracy Morgan’s in the house. If you missed his appearance on “The Today Show” this week, you missed the most inappropriate utterance ever aired on morning television. (And Kathie Lee Gifford, of all people, thinks “there’s a lot of truth” to his remarks. How the heck would she know? That woman has never stepped her stilettos in any ghetto. Please.)

Is that? No. It can’t be. That’s just—wait, is it? Really? Eww. Are they sure? The National Enquirer says it has the dirt on sweet ol’ Cindy McCain locking lips with some other Johnny who resembles “a washed-up ’80s rock musician.” Fact or fiction? Who knows, but the real question is: What’s this musician’s stance on the energy crisis?

Since when is Newsweek in the business of talking dirty? The mag wants to break the news on a nine-months-from-now baby boom. Reporter Jessica Bennett is taking a poll: Who went home on Nov. 4 and had a little celebratory sexytime fun? And who went home and made a beeline for the shower to wash the Republican stench out of her hair? (Only me? Yeah, that’s what I thought.)

Anyone in the market for a conceited genius? He’s sexy, beyond talented, and itchin’ for some babies, ladies! Kanye West, who split from his fiancée last April, told People magazine that he’s single and ready to mingle— it’s just a matter of finding a woman who can tolerate that colossal ego he carries around and see through all the fame (not to mention those damn blinds) he’s got goin’ on.